The Uncollected David Rakoff by David Rakoff

Author:David Rakoff
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2015-10-26T16:00:00+00:00

Walk This Way

State legislators were called back to Albany from their summer vacations for an emergency economic session to make ready for a lean stint that David A. Paterson, New York’s governor, has promised “will get worse before it gets better.” Wall Street, which accounts for 20 percent of the state’s fortunes, is in decline. Tax revenues from sixteen of the state’s largest banks fell to $5 million from $173 million in just one year.

In other words, New York City is about to get interesting again. Those who regret having moved here too late, having witnessed only her metastasized proliferation of glass-walled condos and cupcake purveyors, can take heart at the prospect of shuttered libraries, underfinanced schools, and grimy hospitals. Those bygone days of Midnight Cowboy grit might soon be upon us once more. Why, if you squint just a little bit, you can almost see Verdi Square changing back into “Needle Park.”

There is one austerity measure, however, that has always been an ineluctable part of living here: walking. And it’s still the very best way to get around.

Walking effectively is not unlike driving, minus the vehicle (or so I’m guessing; I’ve never had a driver’s license in my life). There are speeders and road hogs. There is rage. And most important, there are rules. Unwritten, certainly. Unspoken (politely, at least) until now. Since there will be so many more of us taking to the streets, some checks and balances are in order to avoid complete mayhem. Herewith, just a few from the Unofficial New York City Walkers’ Code. Learn them. Follow them.

Choose a lane: Yes, there are lanes. If you see something you like in a shop window, check your blind spot and, when it’s safe to do so, shift over. (Happily, soon the stores will have closed, their windows boarded over, or smashed and empty from the latest blackout looting, rendering this rule as anachronistic as the requirement that men remove their hats in an elevator when a lady enters.)

No tailgating: Walking too closely behind someone for more than a block is irksome. Either pick up the pace and pass (on the left), or hang back. There should ideally be a compact car’s length between you and the next person. (Disregard this rule at rush hour.) Indeed, close formations of any sort are best avoided. If you insist on walking three abreast, then listen carefully for the frustrated footfalls of those trying to get around your phalanx.

Don’t even think of parking here: Running into people you know is one of the great pleasures of life in a crowded metropolis. When you see a friend, take an ambulatory hiatus and step to the side. This is doubly required in the case of strollers. Similarly, unless your dog files an individual tax return, it is inappropriate bordering on immoral to block human progress by unreeling thirty feet of retractable leash across the pavement.

We are not your mother: If you walk while texting or sending email, thereby foisting the responsibility of avoiding collision onto the rest of us, you have abrogated your rights as a walker.

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