The Secret to Getting Along (And Why It's Easier Than You Think) by Gabrielle Hartley

Author:Gabrielle Hartley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks

Reframing Your Inner Narrative

You can dissect and reframe your inner narratives from the ground up to defuse troubled dynamics. Remember, you can always tell yourself a better story—one that is more compassionate and complex. Every so often you may find yourself in an upsetting situation that you just can’t seem to shake. When that happens, there’s a great listening exercise that can help you access your inner thoughts. I love this one, especially for when you’re feeling like you can’t quite get a handle on why you’re feeling reactive.

First, write down exactly what the situation is and how it made you feel. Ask yourself to find at least ten adjectives to describe your feelings, then describe the story you are telling yourself. Finally, ask yourself to consider other reasonable explanations; as we addressed in the last chapter, consider other ways to look at the situation.

Let’s say you’re trying to explain to your husband how you think you should manage a financial situation, and he is cutting you off and misunderstanding what you’re saying. Write down whatever you’re feeling; upset, angry, disconnected, frustrated, disturbed, hopeless, disgruntled, irritated, agitated, and dismissed.

Next, write down your “surface” inner narrative. There’s a difference between “surface” inner narrative and the “deeper” inner narrative. The distinction is that the surface narrative is what others see and what we are aware of thinking. Our attitudes (how we think about things or our habits of thought) are fueled by our deeper inner narrative (our worldview, the stories we have been telling ourselves). On the surface, your inner narrative may be that it is impossible to get your husband’s attention. This may cause the kaboom for you because of something in your childhood. For instance, maybe when you were growing up it you found it difficult to get your mother’s attention. Your deeper inner narrative may be that people who you love are often distracted and difficult to reach emotionally.

To engage with other reasonable explanations in this conflict, ask yourself to set your inner narrative aside for a moment and to consider other reasonable explanations. For instance, maybe when he is ignoring you, it is because you caught him at a bad time. Maybe he is on a deadline, and he struggles so much with time management that he is afraid to be knocked off his focus. Maybe when you feel like he is being argumentative, he is just asking clarifying questions in a style that feels confrontational to you. When you remove your narrative, you can start to see that your husband functions on a different time frame and uses a different communication style than you do.

While his way of doing things may sometimes be difficult for you to handle, it does not necessarily mean that he is responding slowly and asking questions with the purpose of trying to antagonize you. Take a breath and recognize that you can ensure the best possible outcome by choosing to be patient, present, and positive. You can then either calmly respond to his questions or ask him whether there might be a better time to have this conversation.

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