The New Manhood by Steve Biddulph

Author:Steve Biddulph
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster Australia
Published: 2019-07-31T16:00:00+00:00

If there is no dad

A happy family is the dream all parents have. But pulling it off can be extremely tough; lots of dads don’t make it. Divorce is probably the number-one danger. We already talked about how to stay married in earlier chapters, but here let’s add – your kids would prefer that you do. More than one man I know has, in a deep, despairing moment in his marriage problems, wandered into his kids’ bedrooms and seen them sleeping peacefully. He realises this security and peace depends on him not breaking up the family where they have lived their lives. And he decides to give it another go.

That’s the crunch in parenthood: we don’t own our own lives for at least a time, we’ve donated them to a good cause. Not all marriages can be safely kept together, but unless yours is violent and horrible, or a complete emotional nightmare, your kids would like you to try.

In struggling and damaged families, fathers are often the weak link that breaks first: the father leaves, or causes so much harm that the mother leaves him. John Embling wrote two books, Tom: A child’s life regained and Fragmented Lives, about problem kids. John’s masculine nurturing ability was the main tool he used to save kids from homelessness, violence and imprisonment. Here are his thoughts on fathers:

I spend most of my life with children, young adults, mothers – but where are the fathers? I have seen so many young children who need men in their home lives, men who are capable of psychologically meeting their needs. I feel a sense of profound loss, of defeat, of inhumanity, as I see men devoid of personal contact with their children. Their loss, the loss of something central to human process, is also our loss. Something is being crippled, and all the money, technology, bureaucracy, professionalism, ideology in the world won’t make it right again.

Not all dads are a positive in their children’s lives. But on average, given a half-decent male trying to do his best, the benefits might really shock you. The research picture is stunningly clear. If there is a father in the home, then statistically:

both boys and girls have higher self-esteem

they do better in school, and stay on in school longer

they become better qualified and are more likely to be employed

they are less likely to have trouble with the law

they are less likely to be victims of assault, rape, or sexual abuse

girls are less likely to experience early sexual intercourse or teen pregnancy

boys are less likely to be violent or belong to a gang, and

boys and girls are less likely to have problems with drugs or alcohol.

Remember, this is the overall picture, and some fathers would make all these factors worse, not better. But a caring father who lives in the home, or is close by and stays closely involved, makes a very great difference. Dads should be proud of what they do.

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