The Madness by Dawn Kurtagich

Author:Dawn Kurtagich
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harlequin Enterprises ULC
Published: 2024-06-03T12:59:53+00:00

19

The sun casts shades of marigold, tangerine, and grapefruit over the quaking ocean, and the wind whips my hair out of its French twist. It was a lifetime ago that I walked along this beach, looking at the painted sky as the sun died on the horizon. It should be beautiful. I should be able to see this, objectively. But I don’t. All I can focus on is the roiling gray sea, churning like my insides. On the eastern end of the promenade a group of kids whoop and scream, chasing each other and smoking stolen cigarettes. The smell of tobacco in the briny air hits me like blunt force trauma to my chest, reeking of nostalgia so potent I have to turn and walk in the opposite direction, toward the cliffs and Cysgod Castle.

The past whispers at my shoulder—in particular, that last evening with Jonathan. I knew it would be then, on that night, when we finally went all the way. We had been together two years, had done other things, touched in secret, kissed forbidden places, but we hadn’t crossed that final line. Jonathan had been with a girl before me and he didn’t want to rush things, even though I burned for him so desperately that at night I woke tangled in my sheets, sweaty and breathless. When he was near me, I was hyperaware of his body, his scent, yearning for his hands on me. I thought I’d go crazy with longing.

And then, two weeks prior, it occurred to me that maybe he didn’t like me in that way. After all, guys were supposed to be crazy for it, while we girls deflected. That was the natural order, Lucy said. It wasn’t meant to be the other way around. When Jonathan and I met up to go to the cinema a week later, I was quiet and withdrawn. He noticed, because of course he did. He noticed everything. It all came spilling out, my frustration, my hurt, my perplexity at his distance—I burst into tears and suggested we end it. It was his turn to panic then. He grabbed my hands and squeezed tight.

“No.”

“You don’t want me, not really.”

“Mina, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

“Then why?”

He made a guttural noise in his throat and tried to find the words to explain. “I... I’ve been with girls... I mean, with one girl. And it ruined things. It became all about that and nothing else.”

“So your plan is to just never...?”

“Of course not.” He laughed. “I do want to...but at the right time. I want it to be special.”

I laughed, the tension unclenching in my chest. “I just want it to happen. I’m going crazy over here.”

“I don’t want things to get weird and distant. I want you to be sure.”

It was my turn to squeeze his hands. “I am sure. I want you, Jonathan Harker.”

And a week later we met on the beach after sunset, on a night just like tonight, with the plan to give ourselves to each other fully.

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