The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Author:Gary Chapman [Chapman, Gary; Warden, Shannon]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Moody Publishers
Published: 2019-06-15T00:00:00+00:00

SWEAT EQUITY

As with literal home improvement, families have to invest a lot of thought, time, and energy into improving relationships and home life. This is all the more reason we need to be energy-efficient when it comes to dealing with control-related problems. We need to save energy every chance we can so that we have energy for all the other work that needs to be done!

In chapter 7, we’ve explored the home improvement tool of trust. The following is a recap of important tips for decreasing control-related problems and increasing trust:

• Give up. You can’t control everything and everybody. It’s just not possible! Giving up that unrealistic goal will be more freeing than you realize. You’ll waste less energy, and your loved ones can use more of their own energy to figure out their own challenges. That’s good for you and for them!

• Give in. Sometimes we don’t want to give other people control because we don’t want to give in to their way of thinking and doing things. Trust me: unless it’s a life-and-death matter, it’s okay to give in to other people’s healthy desires and need for control. You may be encouraged to see that they are surprisingly capable!

• Get moving! Now’s the time to prepare your children for adulthood. We’d like to think that we have a long time before they have to fly our nests, but we don’t have as much time as we think. Tying shoes, washing dishes, making beds, vacuuming, taking out the trash, doing the bulk of school projects on their own, working a job a few hours a week, managing a checking account … these are important rites of passage. Children may balk at times and may not want to pick up the control you’re giving up, but it’s good for them. They’ll be better ready to launch when it comes time to fly the nest.

• Get ready. Control-related problems sometimes involve a “fight”—a battle for who is going to have more control, you or your child. While it may feel like a fight, we don’t and shouldn’t see these problems as a battle. Instead, we and our children fare better when we see these struggles as expected, healthy growing pains. Parents are growing accustomed to allowing their children healthy, age-appropriate opportunities for self-control; children are growing accustomed to taking on more responsibility. In this way of thinking, control-related problems are more purposeful than painful. Share this perspective with your children so that they know where you’re coming from when working through control issues.

• Trust is a must. Yes, we as people need to earn the trust of others, but we as parents have to give our children opportunities to earn trust. Then we have to accept that mistakes and failure are okay and part of how our children will learn and grow. We can direct and correct our children; that’s an important part of parenting and of childhood. But we shouldn’t hold mistakes and failures against them. Rather, we need to

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