The Divorce Recovery Workbook by Mark S. Rye & Crystal Dea Moore

Author:Mark S. Rye & Crystal Dea Moore
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781626250727
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Published: 2015-01-08T16:00:00+00:00

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REFLECTION What was it like for you to complete this task?

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Of the things you listed, did anything surprise you?

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How might thinking about your ex’s suffering help you forgive your ex?

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Reconsider the Reasons for Your Ex’s Behavior

When treated like crap (this is the technical term that therapists use), most of us are motivated to explain why the other person acted the way he or she did. Psychologists call these explanations attributions, and they help us make sense of the world. Interestingly, the explanation that you give for someone else’s behavior is likely to differ from the explanation you’d give if the behavior were your own.

Think about the last time you were cut off by another driver. Perhaps you were startled or upset because the other driver’s actions could’ve caused an accident. What was your immediate explanation for why the driver cut you off? If you’re like many people, you might have said, “What a jerk!” or “That loser doesn’t know how to drive!” (We know you used stronger language, but we have to get this past our editors.)

Now, think about the last time you cut someone off while driving (admit it, we’ve all done this at some point). How did you explain your driving faux pas? Did you say, “I’m such a jerk and I don’t know how to drive”? (If so, please warn us next time you’re out on the road.) More likely you took into account extenuating circumstances: “My screaming infant in the back seat distracted me,” “I was dealing with serious back pain that day,” “The song on the radio was so bad that I had to change it immediately,” or “The other driver was driving too slow.”

The more inclined you are to focus exclusively on your ex’s character flaws and ignore other possible explanations, the harder it will be to forgive. On the extreme end are folks who demonize their exes and believe that they are the cause of everything that’s wrong in the world.

Perhaps your ex does have character flaws that prompt him or her to treat others poorly. If so, there’s no need to deny or gloss over the fact that your ex interacts with others in fundamentally problematic ways. However, it’s your decision either to focus on those flaws and demonize your ex or to search for alternative ways of thinking that will make it easier to move on from the anger and hurt that you’ve been carrying around.

Joanna’s perspective changed when she considered the complex factors that contributed to Alicia’s hurtful behavior. Alicia’s parents were poor role models for how to have a healthy marriage. Alicia was recently laid off from work and is having trouble getting another job. Alicia also struggles with depression. None of these factors excuse Alicia’s hurtful behavior. However, they provided some context that enabled Joanna to look at their strained interactions from a fresh perspective.

The next exercise asks you to think in new ways about possible reasons for your ex’s behavior.

Exercise 5.3: New Perspectives on Your Ex’s Behavior

GOAL

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