The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Author:Dr. Shefali Tsabary [Tsabary, Dr. Shefali]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Childrearing--Psychological aspects, Parenting--Psychological aspects, empowering our children, transforming ourselves, Parent and child--Psychological aspects.
Publisher: Namaste Publishing Inc.
Published: 2010-10-01T00:00:00+00:00

IF YOU LEARNED TO PLEASE OTHERS TO EARN THEIR APPROVAL

Children who are raised by parents who sidestep their authenticity, camouflaging their true feelings for the sake of fitting in, learn to emulate this phony way of living. Watching us alter ourselves to gain the approval of others, they become pleasers, catering to the needs of others for the sake of approval.

When our children see us place the needs of others before our own, they learn that they are to value others more than themselves. Because they are highly oriented toward relationships, they also base their sense of identity on their relationships. But beneath such inauthentic service of others lies a simmering resentment, since no one can sustain such giving unless they have first given to themselves.

When we please others to gain their approval, we may also begin to please our children. Seeking their approval, we cater inordinately to their needs instead of teaching them to take care of their own needs. Overindulging them, we send a message that it’s okay to take advantage of us. Out of our own low sense of worth, we allow them to imagine themselves the center of our world, which is an emotionally unhealthy, obsessive way of attempting to assuage our own lack. It’s also a recipe for bringing up narcissists who imagine the world revolves around them.

When we are unable to create healthy boundaries for ourselves, our children learn to disrespect the boundaries of others. Observing us fail to claim ownership of our space and our needs, they come to believe their space and their needs are more important than those of others. Because we constantly give to them without saying “no” when appropriate, they fail to learn the importance of accepting that life itself sometimes says “no” to us. Consequently, they develop a grandiose sense of themselves.

Anita grew up as the youngest of two children. Her father, Stanley, died when she was seven years old. Anita’s older sister suffered from severe mental and physical limitations, which meant she was confined to a wheelchair. The girls’ mother, Louise, focused her attention on the older sister, forever consumed by her daughter’s disability. Faced with such a situation, Anita learned her place in life quickly: she was second best. Nothing she could do grabbed her mother’s attention away from her sick sister, and she felt like a greedy monster for even wanting this attention.

Since her mother noticed her only in the context of her ability to serve her sister and help carry the overwhelming burden of raising a sick child, Anita adapted to this role well, becoming the consummate caregiver. As a result, her mother increasingly leaned on her, while simultaneously pushing her to be everything her older sister couldn’t be. Fulfilling all her mother’s expectations, Anita became a successful pediatrician and took care of the family both financially and emotionally.

Marrying late and giving birth to three children, in her new family Anita continued to do what she did best, giving her all to her children, who grew up to be competent and accomplished.

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