The Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen by M.T. Anderson

Author:M.T. Anderson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Beach Lane Books
Published: 2006-01-28T16:00:00+00:00

* Are you trying to tell me that a paragraph that uses phrases like “histamines and immunoglobulin E” might not be very, um, interesting}

But, um, of course, that really isn’t what Jasper himself was thinking about.

Jasper himself was not excited about his entertainment potential.

He was, instead, lying, head upside down, on the edge of a cliff, trying not to twitch. From the northern dome of his skull, the slow ice age had begun to creep in earnest. The mucus had begun to harden in ridges and clots. He could feel the snot form stalactites and stalagmites, blocking passages while his tiny breaths wandered like lost spelunkers through nasal caverns. His every breath clambered and squelched through his nostrils.

Finally, he started gagging. One nostril was entirely clogged. Corked. Only a tiny crack admitted air to the other nostril. He could hardly breathe. He was beginning to panic.

Jasper turned his head gradually … gradually …

He pressed his nose against the granite, shutting his one free nostril.

With all passages blocked, he tried desperately to blow the clog out of his other nostril.

The snake, happily dreaming of ancient religions where snakes were hand-fed hard-boiled eggs by nuns in chain mail, sighed, licked its thin lips, and shifted in the warm sun on Jasper’s back.

Trembling, Jasper forced air behind the plug. He closed his eyes. Veins stood out on his forehead.

Nothing. The snot would not budge.

He relaxed. He opened his eyes.

His breath whined—a tiny trickle—through the one remaining nostril.

Upside down, he looked across the chasm he lay next to. On the other side of it, there was a meadow full of Queen Anne’s lace.

He was not allergic in the slightest to Queen Anne’s lace.

So Jasper Dash, Boy Technonaut, lay there staring longingly at the Queen Anne’s lace, and thinking how sweet life would be, how perfect in almost every detail, if he could only be bound and gagged with a deadly snake sleeping on him over in that meadow.

That, he thought, would make him the happiest boy alive.

Which goes to show you that everything is relative.

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