The Art of Mindful Relaxation by Ed Shapiro

Author:Ed Shapiro
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dover Publications
Published: 2018-07-14T16:00:00+00:00

8

MAKING FRIENDS WITH OTHERS

Isn’t it extraordinary that relationships are the most rewarding and satisfying part of life, yet are also the biggest source of stressors? As much as we love each other, our personal issues are compounded by our expectations and the demands we make on our loved ones, causing endless confusion and misunderstanding. Our egos are constantly butting up against each other, causing tension and distress; we cling to our way of doing things versus someone else’s way, and the need to hold on to what we think is the right way makes us dig our heels in. Different likes and dislikes, attractions and repulsions, mood swings, blaming and shaming can all create barriers to communicating clearly and freely. We misunderstand each other, causing conflicts to arise because what we say is not always what we mean. Or we hide behind our inhibitions, not knowing how to be honest about our feelings, but resenting our partner or friend for not intuiting our intentions.

When Deb and I had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama in India, his warmth and humor were contagious. As he sat holding our hands, I told him I didn’t want to leave, I just wanted to be with him and learn from his wisdom. He surprised me by replying: “If we were together all the time we would quarrel!” What I learned from this is that we are all human!

Relationships are fundamental to our existence; we are in a constant relationship with ourselves, each other and the world around us. Any form of stress both influences and is influenced by the state of our relationships. Positive emotional support makes an enormous difference in our ability to deal with tension by providing a safe place in which to find comfort and reassurance. Any disruption to that foundation invariably makes it harder to cope, which is why separation, divorce and loneliness are all at the top of the list of the most stress-producing situations any of us have to face.

As relationships are so vital to our well-being, we need to maintain honesty and openness with those who are closest to us. If we ignore our feelings or pretend we are feeling differently than we are, not only do we avoid intimacy but we also create more isolation. Repressed feelings don’t just disappear—they stay locked inside us and influence our attitudes and behavior. For instance, feelings of being misunderstood or mistrusted turn into resentment; resentment turns into anger, distress and even depression.

When stress becomes distress we tend to push others away and shut down our caring and sharing in an attempt to cope, becoming hardhearted and unsympathetic. Awareness and mindfulness are the keys here: awareness of our feelings and where they’re arising from, why they are affecting us so deeply, and mindfulness to bring about a peaceful resolution. Being honest about our feelings, while also respecting those of another, is essential to experiencing greater intimacy and love.

In an intimate relationship we allow someone to see us as we really are, which also demands a letting go of our defenses.

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