Tactical Boundaries by Dean Del Giudice L.M.F.T

Author:Dean Del Giudice L.M.F.T. [Dean Del Giudice, L.M.F.T.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781543499698
Publisher: Xlibris US
Published: 2021-09-23T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 16

The Reason Doesn’t Matter

Invariably, the codependent sitting in my office will ask me why the narcissist in their life is mean or inconsiderate. I tell them that even if they had the answer it wouldn’t matter. A far more useful question is why do you tolerate it? If someone kept trying to run you over with their car, how much effort would you put into trying to understand their behavior as opposed to simply getting yourself to safety? When you put effort into trying to understand your narcissist’s problematic behavior you are doing two things wrong. Firstly, you are once again doing work that the narcissist should be doing for themselves. In doing so, you rob the narcissist of any opportunity to grow. Secondly, you are using your valuable energy to understand their behavior as opposed to trying to understand why you continue to tolerate it. You have to figure out what your needs are. Then, keep your energy focused on bringing about the changes necessary for your own happiness!

What about a significant other who claims that you shouldn’t feel the way you do about something they said or did? Or they claim they have the right to do something even though it causes you distress. You are told that it’s your problem because their rights trump your feelings. Examples of things they have a right to do can range from overworking, overdrinking, too much time with friends, being flirtatious, or always seeking new friendships with members of the opposite sex. Relationships aren’t about rights; they are about keeping your partner feeling safe. I’ve seen people play the “I-have-a-right” card very effectively in my office. That maneuver often stops the partner dead in their tracks. It stops their partner because the partner is usually a more considerate person. A considerate person doesn’t want to be guilty of violating the rights of another even though it may mean sacrifice on their part. However, when respecting the rights of another, never turn your back on your own feelings. The problem will keep coming up because you have a right to your feelings. If your feelings are in conflict with another’s rights, it becomes a circular argument that leads to my office. So what then? If you were in my office with your partner, I would advise you to openly acknowledge your partner’s right to a particular behavior then clearly state what it makes you feel like when they exercise it. If they choose their rights over your feelings and are unwilling to compromise, you have a problem, especially if you are the one who does most of the compromising in the relationship already. What does that tell you about your partner’s priorities? What does that tell you about the depth of their love for you?

Jessica’s husband Toby always meets friends for a drink after work. The socializing lasts for an hour or so before everyone heads home. Jessica, who is a wonderful cook, couldn’t understand why her husband wasn’t eager to come straight home to her and a wonderful meal when he finished working.

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