Sweet Vindication by Ravenna Young

Author:Ravenna Young
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Ravenna Young

Chapter Nine †

It has been a couple of weeks since the bathroom hallucination. I have started to wean myself off the anti-depressants and am feeling more level-headed. Everyday life has kept me busy, and I almost forget about the world around me—actually it’s intentional—I avoid the world outside my property lines, at all costs.

Besides, I’m still not much for company, so I skipped out on Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Mom calls or texts daily to see how I am, but I have declined invitations.

I’m just not ready.

I’m not really hiding out, but the farm keeps me busy. The animals rely on me, and I am trying to get a routine going, trying to move forward. Baby steps—each and every day.

Zoey is settling, but she doesn’t let me out of her sight. She is not my only guardian. The crow is still hanging around, always watching—I’ve just accepted its presence, and have even started leaving seed out for it.

Besides one visit into town to get groceries and see my doctor, Jack is the only person I have seen. He has been by every day, as promised, but I don’t exactly spend hours chatting with him. Most days, he politely asks if I need anything and then leaves to putter around the farm. He’s winterizing the equipment, something David didn’t get a chance to finish.

Time goes by, and I forget about David, content moving throughout my day, but then days like today force me to remember. Just like that, I am weighed down with grief, again. I’m lost in it, totally consumed.

Today was our second baby’s due date. The tears won’t stop, since opening my eyes this morning. I’ve managed to dodge Jack, but I’m sure he sees my agony, he just leaves me to it.

Zoey hasn’t left me, and I am grateful every second for her gentle unassuming presence. We’re snuggling in bed, as I hide from the world, wishing for an end to the pain.

My babies are so missed.

The devastation is still very raw, even as time passes me by.

My arms long to hold our babies, to love them.

They are forever in my heart, forever on my mind.

David is dead, but I’m not even slightly free. My secret and unending guilt hangs over my head, reminding me of the disgusting role I took in his demise. Who knows when or if I will ever recover from my life with David, or from his death? Nothing about his murder-suicide-whatever-one-might-call-it is something you just get over.

I think about remarrying, someday. Hopefully, I’ll get another shot at motherhood. I’m not sure I deserve it, but I long for it, every second of every day. I long for those babies that are lost to me, my arms ache with a desperate need to hold them. Longing: this emotion, this all-encompassing need, is endless.

A low growl rolls out of Zoey. My jumbled thoughts stop as I listen. She growls again, this time it’s louder, a definite warning.

Startled, we both sit up, and she growls at the blank space at the end of the bed.

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