Sh*tty Mom by Mary Ann Zoellner

Author:Mary Ann Zoellner [Zoellner, Mary Ann]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Abrams Image
Published: 2012-08-15T23:00:00+00:00

Remember: Instead of contributing to a college fund, get a good life insurance policy. You will probably die before your kid’s student loans kick in.

* CHAPTER 26 *

Young Moms: Way to Ruin Your Life Early!

Well, well, well. Somebody didn’t get the memo called “You Can Have a Life First.” While other women your age were celebrating their quinceañeras, studying for the SATs, or graduating from college, you had a baby. You did not fall for that Gen-X hype about having it all. Unlike your old mom counterpart, you decided to do the hard stuff first.

It matters not how you got to motherhood—clumsy prom love or just family tradition. The point is, when your kids are out of the house, you’ll be in your forties. Maybe even late thirties.

God damn you.

You and your still-flat abs. You and your easy delivery. You and your eyes without dark circles, no matter how many times your baby wakes you up. Don’t you dare turn the page! You’re gonna sit here and read this entire chapter. Take it like a man, you little girl.

Young Sh*tty Mom, you will find no empathy here, precisely because you are young. This is how good you have it: If you were a stripper, after the baby came, you could be back on the pole in two weeks like nothing happened. You’ll even get extra tips from guys with a breastfeeding fetish.

Unfair.

The following tips will help you live among old and regular-age moms, who will understandably want to scratch your eyes out.

* Watch your mouth. Never say, “Oh, I never wanted to be one of those ‘old moms.’ ” You may be speaking to “one of those old moms” who’s had so much Botox that she looks your age. Anyone who defies nature by giving birth in her forties is not likely to allow wrinkles to ruin her forehead.

* Show some respect. Old moms are Juvéderm pioneers whose brave work in the elimination of marionette lines will make your old age less wrinkled. By the time you get old, they may have figured out how to fix necks.

* Pretend you understand their references. If they start talking about the Pretenders or the Beastie Boys or the Cure or Boyz II Men, just nod and smile. You can Google their dinosaur bands later, when they’re not looking.

(Actually, if you have a smartphone, you can Google even when they are looking, because chances are, they can’t see. And they’re too vain to pull out reading glasses.)

* Don’t ruin it! Use birth control until the doctor has confirmed that you are in full-blown menopause. You don’t want to be a young mom and an old mom. That would mean your entire life is all mom. That only works if your last name is Duggar and TLC is offering you a show.

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