Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell

Author:Susan Campbell [Campbell, Susan]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
ISBN: 9781932073331
Publisher: New World Library
Published: 2011-02-15T23:00:00+00:00

What can a couple do when they find themselves both overreacting at once, repeating the same fight over and over and never getting anywhere? An important first step is for at least one of the pair to get fluent with the language, “I notice I’m having a reaction to what you’re saying.” This signals to the other partner a level of self-awareness that tends to help him feel safer. He hears his partner’s sensitivity, and that she is taking responsibility for her reaction rather than blaming him.

Using this key phrase helps partners get beyond blame. Blaming is a control pattern. It’s a way to feel more in control by explaining why something occurred—when in fact, you do not know why. You feel helpless, and finding something or someone to blame helps you feel less helpless. (“I’m feeling bad because of you. If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be feeling bad.”) Blaming supports the illusion that you have identified the cause of your suffering.

Blaming is a control pattern. It’s a way to feel more in control by explaining why something occurred. You feel helpless, and finding something or someone to blame helps you feel less helpless.

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