Round the Bend by Jeremy Clarkson

Author:Jeremy Clarkson [Clarkson, Jeremy]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw, mobi
ISBN: 9780718158422
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2011-07-26T16:00:00+00:00

Fritz forgot the little things

BMW 330d M Sport

You know the score. Your computer wakes up one morning and thinks it’s a cauliflower so you spend two hours on the phone to a man in Mumbai who has a set list of possible remedies, none of which makes the slightest bit of difference. You beg and beg for a technician to come round but the internet provider doesn’t have any technicians; only a room full of parrot men in India, who think a wireless connection can be fixed by endlessly typing numbers into a laptop, even though the reason your ‘black box’ isn’t working is because it’s in the dog.

That night, the fury in your heart is so vibrant that it has become an all-consuming entity. A big jaggedy spike in your head. Sleep is impossible.

All you can think about is what you would do to the boss of the internet service provider were you to encounter him in the street one day. Last night, in my mind, I spent two hours poking him in the chest, asking how in the name of all that’s holy he ever thought a broken box in Notting Hill could possibly be fixed by an uninterested parrot man in India. And then I think I might have set him alight and thrown him on the fire I started by burning the boss who thought flimsy ring pulls on tins of soup are a good idea.

Of course, we have this rage and frustration in so many other areas of our everyday lives as well. Bought a new toothbrush recently? Tried to get it out of the packaging? I have and there is nothing I would like more than for the chief executive of Mouths R Us to come round to my house and show me how it is possible without cutting all his fingers off.

Likewise, I should very much enjoy for George Clooney to drop by one day and explain why each spoonful of the Nespresso coffee he advertises so suavely needs to be wrapped in an individual container. I am no environmentalist, but he is, and I would love to hear his views on why such an enormous amount of packaging is a good idea when a patio heater is not.

Then, you have those extremely expensive corkscrews that you buy at Christmas time because it’s 5.25pm and the shops are about to shut and you haven’t got anything for your dad. The managing director of the company must know that after three days the action will become so stiff your wrist will snap before the Rioja gives up its cork. He must. But he does nothing about it. So I’d like to see him on fire as well.

I want to see all of them on fire until they learn to say to their design and development teams, ‘No. This is not right. You are all blithering idiots, so go away and do it again.’

And hello, banks. Why do you not fit your hole-in-the-wall cash machines

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