Ronan Boyle and the Swamp of Certain Death by Thomas Lennon

Author:Thomas Lennon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Abrams
Published: 2020-03-03T00:00:00+00:00

* All Special Unit operatives carry a sandwich press to make the Irish Goodbye, a sandwich that can wipe the memory of lookie-loos to traumatic incidents with the faerie folk, but—it can also be used for personal sandwiches, as long as they don’t have classified ingredients. This is why almost all officers of the Special Unity put on the “Noobster-Fifteen” in their first year on the job, as eating pressed sandwhiches slathered with cheese and rich Irish butter is a great way to keep weight on.

† CAPTCHA is an acronym for Catching Any Possible Tricksters who Can’t Humanize ASAP. It’s designed to filter out wee folk. Yes, the acronym for CAPTCHA includes another acronym: ASAP, which stands for As Soon As Possible. I was not on the committee that invented or named this. It’s the brainchild of Finbar Dowd, Deputy Commissioner of the Special Unit, who is as drab as a potato, and whose face I could not remember if you gave me a million euros.

* This was not totally improbable, as Ballaghnatrillick and Cloontyprocklis are actual towns in Ireland.

* Hello. Finbar Dowd here in the footnotes. I don’t mean to interrupt Ronan Boyle’s existential crisis, as these are very legitimate questions. Not the part about me being an eejit. I’m runner-up employee of the month several times at Collins House! Apparently there’s a name for Ronan’s condition known as Imposter Syndrome, where one feels that their achievements are based on luck. Anyway: I really just wanted to point out that Ronan Boyle, being fifteen and indeed underqualified for this mission, has missed MAJOR SYMBOLISM in his Dame Judi daydream! It struck me plain as day: DID YOU SEE IT? IT’S SO OBVIOUS!

Dame Judi = Ronan’s alter ego. Respected authority figure, seemingly without self-doubt. Dressed as TITANIA!!! Titania = LITERALLY the “Queen of the Faeries” in Shakespeare’s delightful three-and-a-half-hour-long comedy A Midsummer Night’s Dream! Does this not represent Captain de Valera, authority figure of the Faerie Police!? All of his mental health problems are converging into a PERFECT STORM! Poor Lieutenant Boyle! And he didn’t even notice!

Yes! Finbar Dowd, armchair psychiatrist! Amateur Theatrical, collector of humorous salt and pepper shakers, at your service! Now then, I will NOT under any circumstances interrupt these journals again. And a reminder that if Lieutenant Boyle’s belt is returned complete, the reward comes with a coupon to the wonderful Collins House Cafeteria. Best, F.D.

* A sheerie is the ghost of a faerie. They can transport humans and small items great distances in a short time. These travel requests can only be approved by the rank of captain or above, and they usually only work within ONE travel zone. Early efforts to travel Special Unit officers between Tir Na Nog and the human Republic of Ireland (Zones 1 and 2) resulted in the officers turning into a thick gelatinous goo that smelled like cheeseburger soup—which is a real thing.

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