Resolving Everyday Conflict by Ken Sande & Kevin Johnson

Author:Ken Sande & Kevin Johnson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group

The Toxic Bad Confessions

There’s a problem with most of our confessions. We naturally make weak and evasive apologies. Our sinful self-righteousness compels us to play down our faults, minimize our guilt, and make excuses for our wrongs. We see this tendency in politicians caught in infidelity, in athletes caught with steroids . . . and in ourselves whenever our wrongs come to light. Our bad apologies would be comical if they weren’t so painful to the people we hurt.

Many people never learn to admit their wrongs honestly and absolutely. When you were a child, it was a good first step to learn to apologize. But as you matured you no doubt sensed the difference between a forced “I’m sorry” and a heartfelt “I did something wrong.” Authentic confession means getting past cheap phrases like “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” “Let’s just forget it,” “I guess it’s not all your fault.” Mumbling those feeble words rarely brings people back together.

These bad confessions are toxic. They do more harm than good. Suppose you say, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” What signal do you send with that little “if”? What does the other person hear? How does that person feel? You’re really saying, “I’m not really convinced I did anything wrong,” or “Deep down, I think this is more your fault than mine.” Your confession might sound fine on the surface, but you’re not sorry at all. You haven’t taken any responsibility.

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