Raising Resilient Sons by Colleen Kessler

Author:Colleen Kessler
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Ulysses Press
Published: 2020-12-08T00:00:00+00:00

Begin with Empathy

Forming any kind of lasting connection needs to start with empathy. It’s critical in forming relationships with others. It’s important to note what empathy isn’t though. It isn’t sympathy. Empathy isn’t when we feel sorry for others. Empathy, at its core, is when we walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Have you heard that saying before? It’s a good one to remember. Empathy is all about trying to feel what another person is feeling. It’s about withholding judgment until you’ve thought about it from the other person’s perspective. Empathy also doesn’t mean understanding what another person is going through. The truth is that we may never completely understand, but we can try to grapple with what another person might be feeling. It’s being able to say, “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. I’m so sorry,” and offering them that truth along with warmth and comfort.

When we model empathy by showing it to our sons, we let them know that their experiences and perspectives are important, and we show them firsthand how to act toward others to form lasting, real relationships. Too often we put expectations on our sons that are unfair. We treat them as extensions of ourselves or as little beings to be trained, and we can’t imagine that they have real problems. We think, how can he be so upset about a misunderstanding with the neighbor kiddo? This doesn’t compare to my pay cut at work. How can he be crying over a skinned elbow when his best friend is dealing with childhood cancer? I know that sometimes I’m tempted to tell my sons to let it go or to just get over it because I get caught up in the busy.

But our sons’ problems are just as real and valid as our own, and if we’re not modeling empathetic listening then they’re not learning how to do it. If we fall into a pattern of minimizing their struggles, or worse, belittling and shaming them for feeling that way, we shut down their willingness to come to us for support.

Boys need to be seen and heard—on their terms and about their issues. Boyhood has plenty of challenges, and adults need to work to remember back to their own childhood with honesty and empathy toward the children they once were. Boys need empathy, but more than that, they need to see the adults in their lives project and model that empathy for them so that they can become caring adults. When they struggle to care and see things from another’s perspective, they grow into adults who struggle to form lasting relationships with others.

Showing empathy toward our sons provides them with both security and support. We essentially create a sort of safety net for them where they know they’ll be listened to and validated, and they also know they can get help. They’ll share their struggles freely because they understand that they won’t be belittled or shamed. They’ll seek our help when they make mistakes because they know we will support them without censure.

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