Raising Good Humans Every Day by Hunter Clarke-Fields

Author:Hunter Clarke-Fields
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2023-06-23T18:17:00+00:00

26.

How Do I Make Them Stop?

If the ability to control emotions and behaviors isn’t fully developed until early adulthood, why are we requiring preschoolers to do this and then punishing them when they can’t?

—Mona Delahooke

My five-year-old daughter was screaming around the house, “flying” a big piece of cardboard. It knocked things off the coffee table, and the noise had me gritting my teeth. This had to stop, or I was going to lose it. But I’d just recently pledged not to use threats and punishments with her, so how the heck could I stop this? How do we hold boundaries without yelling and threatening?

When we move away from fear- and threat-based parenting, we sometimes swing to the other end of the spectrum, becoming uncertain and backing off altogether from holding boundaries with our kids. This does not work out well. Now, instead of our kids resenting us, it’s likely we resent them! Plus, kids need healthy boundaries to feel safe and cared for. Permissive parenting—allowing kids to get their way most of the time—can lead to unwanted outcomes for kids. Research has shown that children who grow up with parents who don’t uphold appropriate behavioral expectations are more likely to be more self-centered, lack self-regulation and impulse control, and have higher rates of drug use than other children (Shapiro and White 2014).

Boundaries are healthy and necessary even if you want to move from an authoritarian paradigm to a more democratic way of doing things. Think of yourself as the wise, benevolent leader setting rules and routines for mealtimes, bedtime, homework time, chores, screen time, and more. Let kids be kids—expecting them to be immature and unskillful—and give them limits to keep them healthy and safe and to honor our own human needs. For both the parents’ sake and the child’s, it’s important to decide what those limits are ahead of time. Then when there’s opportunity for freedom, we can allow it.

In our home, we had three overarching rules: (1) take care of ourselves, (2) take care of each other, and (3) take care of our home. Smaller rules and norms stem from these and help provide a sense of teamwork among the family—we do things this way, not that way. We put away our toys when we’re done playing. We turn off the lights when we leave a room.

Running around and knocking things down with a big piece of cardboard was not taking care of our home (or helping me and my sanity). So how to deal with this? I had a big shift to realizing that I can hold these boundaries without being scary, harsh, and disrespectful. I could be firm and kind. Instead of yelling, I can catch my daughter and say “Whoa! Hold on a sec, honey. That cardboard is knocking things over,” while I gently take it from her hand. I offer her an opportunity to run outside with the cardboard. She learns a better way to be in the world, and our relationship is not damaged.

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