Raising Competent Teenagers by Dr. Linda Friedland

Author:Dr. Linda Friedland
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rockpool Publishing

51.Rudeness

Q: How should I respond to my terribly rude 13-year-old?

Mum: I brought you a snack to eat before the soccer game.

Son: I’m not hungry.

Mum: You need some energy.

Son: Are you deaf? I told you I’m not hungry.

* * *

Rudeness may sneak up on parents in a flash. It may just entail rolling his eyes to the ceiling or throwing dirty looks, or it may be as serious as showing blatant disrespect. As parents, it’s hard not to take such rudeness personally. It is embarrassing, it is hurtful and it seems to reflect bad character, not only in the child but also the parents.

As awful as it is for parents, this dreadful conduct and disrespect are a sign of the emergence of a new life stage and a new identity in your child. Laura Kastner calls this the ‘second autonomy phase’. The terrible twos, signalling the emergence of a defiant, independent toddler, is the first autonomy phase. During this second phase, the rejection of a parent’s authority and value system feels intensely painful. But that is what this phase is all about: the emergent autonomous self is trying to chop down the parents’ authority to make place for his own. He needs to build assertive and expressive skills. Unfortunately he is often off the mark and comes across as downright insolent. He requires guidance through this phase. We often say, ‘I never spoke to my parents like this.’ It is true. And the style of parenting has changed too. We are far less keen to use threats and fear and scare tactics, which are intimidating and dictatorial. This authoritarian approach will engender less rudeness but it can also backfire and cause rebellion. We certainly want some level of obedience but we should place great value on communication, connectedness and self-worth.

What to do:

Rudeness indicates a new developmental period, and for this we need new tools. It is easy to crack down hard, but it doesn’t usually succeed – it fuels the power struggle. And permissiveness without authority is unproductive.

Determine if this is all-pervasive rudeness or just happens at home. The rudeness often manifests only at home when children are frustrated, having a bad day and you’re in the way.

If they are rude with everyone, including teachers and authority figures, you may need some professional intervention.

Ignore the rudeness much of the time. Don’t give it power.

Tackle it directly and without emotion. Rather than saying, ‘Don’t you dare talk to me that way!’ just say, ‘Cut it out.’

Don’t give in to what they want. The rudeness usually comes after you have said no to something. Stand your ground.

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