Raising Competent Children: A New Way of Developing Relationships With Children by Jesper Juul

Author:Jesper Juul [Juul, Jesper]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Adolescence, Children, Development, Family Relationships, Life Stages, Non-Fiction. Parenting, Parenting, School Age
ISBN: 9781921878763
Google: 47ZaLwEACAAJ
Amazon: B00ILZ68RA
Publisher: Rockpool Publishing
Published: 2013-06-14T23:00:00+00:00

Parental Responsibility and Power

Example: Three-year-old Jacob is shopping with his father at the local mall. At first, Jacob holds his father’s hand, but when he becomes bored, he lets go and walks off to explore the stores on his own. His father runs after him, grabs his hand again, and says, “Jacob, you must stay with me and hold my hand. Remember that!”

Jacob protests and tries to wrench his hand out of his father’s, but his father holds on tight. (Clearly, Jacob’s father used his power and assumed parental responsibility; most parents would think that he has done the right thing.)

On their way out of the mall, they pass an ice cream stand, and Jacob asks, “Dad, can I have a cone?”

His father says, “Not today, Jacob.”

Jacob says, “Oh, Dad! I really want one. Why can’t I have one?” “Because I say so, Jacob . . . and because I’m the one who makes the decisions!”

Jacob asks again, but with the same result. Finally, he gives up and hangs his head as they walk out into the parking lot. (Again, most people would agree with Jacob’s father’s use of power.)

When they arrive home from their shopping trip, Jacob’s father says, “Jacob, now it’s time for you to have your afternoon nap!”

Jacob protests: he wants to play. But his father insists, explaining to Jacob that he will be too tired later on in the day if he does not sleep now. Jacob is tucked into bed and after tossing and turning for a quarter of an hour, he finally falls asleep. (Jacob’s father has again used his power and assumed his parental responsibility, and most parents would agree that he has done the right thing.)

I agree with the majority of parents about the first two episodes—but not about the last one. In the first situation, there is no question that Jacob is too young to explore the mall on his own. What’s at issue isn’t Jacob’s biological and intellectual limitations – if he were living on the streets of Bombay or Prague, he would have had no trouble whatsoever navigating the city alone—but rather our societal values. In our culture, it is not good or safe for a three-year-old to be left on his own, and it is the responsibility of the parents to make sure that it does not happen.

In order to live up to this responsibility, Jacob’s father was obliged to use a minimum of physical force. His verbal instruction to Jacob was also appropriate. It did not insult Jacob or injure his dignity. In the second episode, Jacob’s father exercised his economic power, again, without insulting his son verbally.

The third episode, however, is more complex. In the first example, Jacob needed a guide in relation to the world around him. But the need for sleep is a very personal, biological need, about which his father can only have an educated opinion (unless Jacob’s father is couching his own need for some peace and quiet as a need for Jacob to have a rest).

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