Playful Parenting by Cohen Lawrence J

Author:Cohen, Lawrence J. [Cohen, Lawrence J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Ballantine Books
Published: 2008-11-18T22:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 9

FOLLOW YOUR

CHILD'S LEAD1

“I want to teach people how to understand and love this miraculous creative state of ‘I do not know' when related to children—so full of life and dazzling surprises!”

—JANUSZ KORCZAK

Playful Parenting is a delicate balance between following a child's lead and stepping in as a guide. On one side, we let children be completely in charge of the play, in order to nurture their creativity and sense of confidence. On the other side, we actively intervene to help children get unstuck from situations that are repetitive, boring, or potentially harmful. I must confess that I have become an expert on this principle of Playful Parenting by repeatedly getting it wrong. One day I'll be sure I have to “do something” until I realize my job is to follow. The next day I'll follow along resentfully until I finally figure out how to lead us both out of a rut and onto a path that's fun for the two of us. This chapter is about following the child's lead; the next chapter is about times when it makes sense for the adult to lead the way.

I usually learn my best lessons about following when I try to lead, and things go nowhere in a hurry. One time my daughter and I were playing freeze tag. It's lots of fun with a big group of people, because one person freezes people and others can unfreeze them, so the game is constantly in flux. Playing freeze tag with just two people, my daughter and me, was less fun (for me). I ended up frozen most of the time. She would freeze me and then go off and do something else but expect me to stay frozen. I guessed that she wanted me to break the rules and come after her. Instead of following her instructions, I thought I would take the lead and focus on connection.

I guessed incorrectly. When I unfroze myself and chased after her, she was furious at me. I have to admit I made the same mistake a few times in a row. I was convinced (wrongly) that she needed me to push for connection even though it broke her rules. Also, it was boring for me to stay there frozen all by myself! Finally, I decided to follow her rules of the game precisely to the letter, no matter how boring or how much I wanted to come after her. I apologized for having broken the rules before and promised to freeze indefinitely. She froze me once more to check if I really meant it. I stayed frozen for a couple of minutes while she went into the other room. Every once in a while I would call out “I'm still frozen” so she wouldn't forget we were playing together. Once she saw I could follow the rules, she unfroze me and said that game was over. Now she wanted to play a game together, with me helping her balance on a big ball. I had finally gotten it right! The game she had wanted to play was not about connection.

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