Parsnips, Buttered by Joe Lycett

Author:Joe Lycett [Joe Lycett]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hodder and Stoughton
Published: 2016-09-29T04:00:00+00:00

Dear Mark,

I contacted you many months ago about an unfortunate situation I had in London Euston where I needed to use the lavatory but didn’t have the required funds. I am still yet to receive a reply but I imagine that is because you intended to reply to me at 12:04 but then got slightly delayed ’til 12:06, then delayed further to 12:20 and ultimately decided to cancel entirely, with little regard for me and my life and no apology. You will be pleased to know I have since incinerated the trousers I was wearing that day and murdered all witnesses. I thank you for your stoic silence in this matter.

Now I have your email address, I thought I might offer some guidance on how to improve Network Rail and the rail service in the United Kingdom in general. I have set out my suggestions below, which I hope you will act on without delay, although I know you struggle with the phrase ‘without delay’.

- Rail fares should not represent the length of the journey but the quality of the destination. For example, a trip to beautiful rural Yorkshire might cost you £40, whereas a trip to Milton Keynes should cost 40p. People should be completely reimbursed for all travel if they chose to leave Coventry.

- London Victoria should be burnt to the ground and you should start again.

- ‘Mind the gap’ is a confusing phrase – imagine trying to translate that for a French tourist? It should be replaced with something like, ‘Look Out There Is A Big Fucking Hole Between The Train And The Platform And Should You Fall In We Will Continue Regardless Cause We’re Already Delayed’.

- Before every Virgin train leaves the platform, I’d like there to be a thin sheet that the train has to drive through, known as ‘the train hymen’. Independent hymen verifiers will not let the train depart until they are convinced the carriages are clean and the card machine is working in the shop. Only then will they shout, ‘I DECLARE THAT THIS TRAIN IS VIRGINAL’ and it is free to depart.

- You should change your name from Mark Carne so as to not get confused with Mark Carney, the Governor of the Bank of England. I suggest just referring to yourself as ‘The King of Trains’.

- Wi-fi should be free to everyone on trains, not just first class. And it should be called Wi-Dial-Up to accurately describe the speed. Oh! Now I know why you didn’t reply to my last email! It’s still downloading! Alas, you’ll probably receive this email in the fourth millennium.

Thank you and goodbye forever,

Joe Lycett

P.S. I have attached a flattering drawing I just did of what I think you look like naked.

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