Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Kevin Hinckley

Author:Kevin Hinckley [Hinckley, Kevin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family, Parenting, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Publisher: Deseret Book Company
Published: 2008-12-15T00:00:00+00:00

Eight

Almost Painless Discipline

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.—Proverbs 19:18

In 1831, the Prophet Joseph Smith directed the Brethren to publish the revelations that had been received to that point. That collection, called the Book of Commandments, was printed to provide guidance and direction to the growing Church. As they were preparing those revelations for printing, the Prophet received an additional revelation that would be known as Section 1 of the Doctrine and Covenants, sometimes called the Lord's Preface. In it, the Lord explains that “knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, [I] called upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and spake unto him from heaven, and gave him commandments” (D&C 1:17).

Throughout history, our Heavenly Parent has blessed us by giving us commandments. These commandments are given to help us to avoid disastrous behavior that would put our salvation in jeopardy and to help us achieve all He has in mind for our eternal destiny. In order to receive those blessings, we promise to obey. With each “rule” there are consequences, clearly laid out, that will result from our obedience or lack thereof. There are no secrets, no surprises. The God of Heaven has clearly laid out His plan and made it abundantly clear what we have to do to inherit eternal life.

The idea that commandments are given to us to bless our lives is confusing to those wanting to rebel. Seduced by Satan's lies, “rules” are seen as a roadblock on their highway to freedom. Over time the rebellious become more irritated by anything—or anyone—that restricts their desire to do what they want. They cannot view any restriction as a blessing.

Youthful rebellions begin at the crossroad where rules and parental authority intersect with a child's desire to exercise his agency. How rules are written and authority administered is critical. Again, how we do it is as important as what we do. No aspect of our parental style is more on display than when we exercise parental authority. Parental authority is the power we use to make decisions for the family. It is the veto a parent wields over a child's choices. The more extensively we use it, the less children are empowered. How it is used, and when, is a function of our parental style.

Controlling parents, for instance, lean heavily on their authority, imposing their will in most decisions relative to the family. Because the rules are very “top down,” in a controlling home, children who break family rules are also challenging parental authority. Discipline is used as a consequence of disregarding that authority. In a similar vein, overprotective parents also use a lot of parental authority. For these parents, however, rule-breaking is viewed as dangerous and unsafe. They exert the parental sword constantly, with the intent that they are protecting their kids from danger.

As we've discussed, effective parents develop a balance between warmth, structure, and a calm demeanor. As they parent, they need to determine what role discipline will play and then evaluate how much authority to apply and when.

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