On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson

Author:Keith Anderson [Anderson, Keith, M.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-55199-196-2
Publisher: McClelland & Stewart
Published: 2010-01-05T00:00:00+00:00

FEAR NO. 2: FEAR OF BEING HURT AGAIN

EARLIER IN THIS chapter, we met Mary Ellen, whose twenty-nine-year marriage to George ended when he announced he’d come to terms with the fact that he was gay. In the aftermath of their separation, they saw each other almost daily because of their partnership in their small store. George was perfectly willing to discuss business with Mary Ellen, but she couldn’t understand why he refused to sit down and discuss their personal relationship, past or future. Why did he want nothing more to do with her on an intimate level? Had she become so repugnant to him? Once again, she felt wounded by George–rejected and hurt.

In fact, Mary Ellen had a hidden agenda: She was hoping that by going over their difficulties, she could win George back. But that had nothing to do with his avoidance of her. George was unable to talk about the relationship because he simply found the subject too painful and sad. He was also afraid Mary Ellen would say hurtful things to him–things she might well have a right to say, but which he didn’t want to hear. Right then, he had as much pain as he could bear. He was afraid of being hurt again.

In the early, acute phase of being separated–the deep black pit–people feel so raw, so tender, that mere contact with the ex-partner may be unbearable. They’re like burn victims; the only treatment may be to avoid direct contact.

If someone has been physically or psychologically abused, it’s obvious why he or she wouldn’t want to communicate with the abuser. But if you’ve behaved reasonably toward your ex, and he or she still refuses to see you or talk things over, it could be due to fear of what you might say.

When you harbor no ill intent toward your ex-partner, his or her reluctance to talk can be confusing or frustrating; it seems arrogant and unfair. But for the time being, you may just have to accept the necessity of communicating through lawyers–or not at all–until your ex is feeling less vulnerable.

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