My Life as a Human Hockey Puck by Bill Myers
Author:Bill Myers
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00
It was incredible . . . people screaming at each other, slamming into each other, pounding on each other. And those were just the fans! It was even worse out on the ice. I guess Krashenburn figured what our team lacked in skill, we could make up for with an impressive body count. Of course there were a couple nice guys like Cole Dawson. But for the most part, they sat on the bench while monsters like Gary the Gorilla and Bruno Pistarini kept racking up points by racking up players. In no time we earned the reputation of being the meanest and dirtiest team in the league.
It might have bothered me, but I had other things on my mind. As our team’s “Symbol of Victory,” my job was to whip the crowd into a frenzy of excitement and support. And I succeeded. With my incredible clumsiness I already had them shouting such slogans as, “Get that chicken out of here!” “Our mascot’s a moron!” and “Where’s Colonel Sanders when we need him?”
Yes sir, I had them eating out of the palm of my wing.
It might have helped if I could see where I was going or if I could climb the steps without falling ever few feet. Or, when I fell, if I were able to put out my hands to catch myself. But, of course, none of those little luxuries were available. So, whenever I slipped on a step, I would roll and tumble all the way down until I hit the Plexiglas wall at the bottom.
BOUNCE, “OUCH, AHH-CHOOO”(ring-ring-ring), BOUNCE, “BOY THAT SMARTS,” BOUNCE, BOUNCE, K-RAAASH, “GROAN . . .”
But practice makes perfect. By the third period I was so good at falling, I actually had fans rooting me on—guys with tape measures and felt pens taking bets on how far I’d bounce and roll. Nice fellows and really encouraging. “You can do it, Super Cluck. You can beat your record of 74 steps. I know you can.”
I don’t remember much toward the end. I do remember lying upside down on my back, staring through the eye hole and seeing the press box at the top of the steps. Inside, I caught a glimpse of good ol’ Opera. He was sitting with all the other media bigwigs, scribbling notes for his upcoming broadcast.
Oh, and I remember one other thing. I remember some prehistoric type who smelled like a couple hundred six packs, lifting me over his head and passing me on to the next cave man who passed me on to the next, and so on and so forth.
“Hey guys, AHH-CHOOO (ring-ring-ring), put me down, put me down.”
“Hey, HAR-HAR-HAR—listen to the chicken, he talks.”
“Come on guys, AHH-CHOOO (ring-ring-ring), chickens aren’t supposed to fly.”
As if proving my point, every so often someone would accidentally drop me on the floor or onto the sharp edges of seat backs.
Yes sir, it was a lot of fun, but all good things must come to an end and eventually the game buzzer sounded.
I tilted my head back and looked at the scoreboard.
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