Mothering and Daughtering by Eliza Reynolds

Author:Eliza Reynolds
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sounds True

DEFINE: Daughtering

Being active in your relationship with your mom so that she knows the real you; balancing your independence with a dependable bond as you grow into your true self

I believed then—and I still believe today—that we teen daughters are trapped in the language of passivity. Although there’s no shortage of popular “wisdom” about the many things that mothers should and shouldn’t be allowing—no yelling, piano practice every day after school, and no television (or cell phones, or video games, or whatever) until your homework’s done—I believe that popular culture has assigned us daughters no role except that of the utterly exasperated and exasperating teen. But you see, I think there is more to us than that, and I suspect you think so, too. We have something more to offer than just a passive reaction to or rebellion against our mothers’ parenting.

Most teen daughters I know are not actively involved in their mother-daughter relationship. Instead they view their role solely as that of the unfortunate recipient of their mom’s inept, infuriating, and embarrassing attentions. (Cue, yet again, the eye roll.) Before our moms have even had a chance to adjust to the fact that we’re not little kids anymore, we’ve already given up on them. Worse still, we’ve inherited the expectation that it will always be this way, that we have no real choice: moms and teenage daughters don’t get along, period. As a result, I’ve found that many girls withdraw from the relationship (“She’ll never get it, so why try?”) instead of admitting that if we do try as the new young adults that we are becoming, then we might just get somewhere. Now there’s a concept.

What if your mom were the person you trusted most in the world? And what if she trusted you back? What if she wanted you to just be you, without her own agenda and definition of “success”? What if she got you—the real you—when you were sad or confused or happy or excited? And what if you, understanding that she is going to make a mess of things sometimes, were able to help her get you? What if you gave her feedback every now and then and helped to fix the ruts, fights, and misunderstandings that got in the way—especially when she just wasn’t getting it?

What if daughters, together, denied the widespread opinion that their moms are their worst enemy during the teenage years? What if daughters could know that their moms are potentially their greatest support as they grow up and become independent? What if your mom was your strongest ally? For some of you, this may seem obvious—your mom and you are already super close. This book will only work to strengthen your bond and keep you tight through the challenges of the teen years to come. For some of you, however, the idea of your mom as your “strongest ally” may seem light years away; it may make you run and duck for cover. Trust me, this book can be your companion on this often-frustrating journey.

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