Jackie Jokes by Jackie Martling

Author:Jackie Martling [Martling, Jackie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781682614983
Publisher: Post Hill Press
Published: 2018-02-22T16:00:00+00:00

Section Eleven

St. John in the Behind

Dirty Johnny’s in the confessional and says, “Father, I can’t stop jerking off. All I do is jerk off. Today I already jerked off twenty-two times.”

The priest says, “I think you need more than to just confess, son. Go sit in one of the front pews and wait for me.”

Mrs. Pascucci knocks on the confessional door and says, “Father, I’m here to make a confession, but I also brought you a homemade cheesecake.”

He says, “Thank you so much. Please put it on the pew next to John and come in.”

She puts the cheesecake on the pew next to Johnny, goes in, makes her confession, and leaves. The priest comes out, walks over to Johnny, and there’s an empty plate on the pew next to him.

The priest says, “Where’s the cheesecake?”

Johnny says, “I ate it.”

The priest says, “You ate it? Why?”

Johnny says, “I had nothing else to do, so I ate it.”

The priest says, “Why didn’t you jerk off?”

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How is eggs Benedict like a blow job?

You can’t get either of them at home.

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Dowd goes to the doctor for a thorough examination before the start of the hockey season. He strips naked and the doctor checks him over from head to toe. The last thing the doctor does is put a tongue depressor in Dowd’s mouth and look down his throat.

The doctor says, “Well, Mr. Dowd, it appears you’ve got flat feet.”

Dowd says, “Doc, you want to do me a favor? Look up my ass and tell me if my hat’s on straight?”

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Mullin walks into a show business agent’s office carrying a little black bag.

The agent says, “Well, let’s see your act.”

Mullin reaches into the black bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the walnuts on his head and smashes! them with the hammer.

He says to the agent, “Well, what do you think?”

The agent says, “That’s your act?”

Mullin says, “Yep.”

The agent says, “What else have you got in the black bag?”

Mullin says, “Aspirin.”

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Nastri walks into a bar, holds out his hand, and says to the bartender, “Look what I almost stepped in.”

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A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records and notices they’re copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

He says, “Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren’t copying somebody else’s mistakes?”

The head monk says, “That’s a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against the original document.”

The old monk goes into the vault to study. The day passes, it’s getting late in the evening, and the other monks start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him. As he’s walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing.

He says, “Holy Father?”

The sobbing gets louder as he gets near. Finally, he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him.

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