It's Attachment by Annette Kussin

It's Attachment by Annette Kussin

Author:Annette Kussin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Guernica Editions Inc


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2 Zeindler, Christine, Prenatal Maternal Stress, Douglas Mental Health University Institute, Jan, 2013 (online article)

Chapter 6

ADULT ATTACHMENT AND CHOOSING A PARTNER

For adults, relationships have a fundamental paradox. We are born to be in relationships and to be close to a caregiver to have our basic needs for love, care, safety and support met. This basic drive continues into adulthood but by adulthood our early and later childhood experiences guide the choice of our partner in adult relationships. The choice of a partner may deprive us of many of our basic needs, but we tend to remain in these relationships from the primitive need to be close to someone.

By adulthood our Attachment Styles are deeply embedded in our personalities, impacted by our early childhood and later life experiences. Most people have little awareness of the impact of their childhood or even believe it was positive when there is little evidence of this. Other people believe their early childhood experiences are not influencing their adult personalities and the choices made as adults. The tragedy of such lack of awareness is that these imbedded ways of being in relationships very much influence choices of partners and behaviours in the relationship with such partners. Here are some examples that may sound familiar to your situation or someone you know.

Joanne was a creative and emotional person. She was a little overweight and never considered herself to be particularly pretty. She met Ryan at a party and noticed him immediately. He was very handsome and fit. To her surprise he approached her and they began to talk. He told her about his business and she talked about her work as an interior decorator. He asked for her phone number and she gave it to him. She never believed he would call. She perceived him as perfect and never imagined that he would want her. Ryan not only called but pursued Joanne. She was somewhat reticent to get involved since she felt inferior to Ryan and believed he would dump her once he got to know her.

She was attracted to Ryan because he appeared stable, successful, disciplined and was certainly very attractive. She thought he would be good for her since she was more emotional, self-doubting and dependent and often felt anxious and angry. She did worry sometimes when he was away for business trips but he always called her and told her that he missed her. She rarely demonstrated or expressed her insecure feelings to Ryan.

He would plan the activities on their dates and encouraged her to be more active and fit. He did this in a way that felt caring and supportive of her. She began to be more active and engaged in all the physical activities that Ryan organized for them. She grew dependent on him to do this. He wanted to be in control and his control made her feel secure. She continued to feel inferior to him and insecure but Ryan clearly wanted her, eventually asking her to marry him. She agreed to marry this perfect man.



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