Impossible Parenting by Olivia Scobie

Author:Olivia Scobie [Scobie, Olivia]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / General
ISBN: 9781459746565
Publisher: Dundurn
Published: 2020-10-30T00:00:00+00:00

I have heard this story in many different iterations from parents over the years. These parents wanted to nurse because they thought it was best, and though they knew it could be difficult, they didn’t (or couldn’t) realize just how challenging it could be. The story goes like this: (1) pre-commit to nursing in pregnancy, (2) face unexpected barriers with nursing, (3) invest a substantial amount of time and money and energy into nursing, and (4) feel emotionally depleted or scarred from the experience. What makes it confusing to support parents who reach out for help with nursing is that their responses when being given the suggestion to stop vary widely. I either hear “when my doctor/midwife/lactation consultant/doula reminded me that I could stop if I didn’t want to do it anymore, I was finally able to give myself permission to stop and I’m so grateful to them,” or “when my doctor/midwife/lactation consultant/doula reminded me that I could stop if I didn’t want to do it anymore, I felt completely unsupported, but I persevered in spite of them until we figured it out.” When a parent is in the depths of nursing challenges, it’s hard to predict whether they’ll want to be encouraged to keep going or nudged to change course. But what is consistent is that the negative feelings or critical self-beliefs that emerge from this process can remain for years — sometimes into the children’s teen years or adulthood — regardless of whether the parents were successful in meeting their nursing goals or not.

Growing concerns about the increased nursing pressure, shame, and even self-hate felt by parents who struggle to nurse (or don’t want to) led activists, parents, and some health professionals to support a new campaign in 2016 called Fed-Is-Best. The idea is to encourage parents to make decisions about how they feed their babies that make sense for them and their circumstances, rather than trying to nurse at all costs. Backlash against this campaign by some nursing advocates has led to yet another new and trending campaign called Informed-Is-Best, which argues that parents are more likely to attempt and less likely to quit nursing if they have access to enough information or support, which the campaign aims to provide them. Responses to this newest campaign have been varied. It’s true that some parents, particularly low-income parents, don’t always have access to good information or support around nursing, and this is a concerning social issue.9 But it’s also true, as highlighted by the parent quoted earlier, that extensive support and information may still not be enough to make exclusive nursing easy or possible.

I fear that the impact of the Informed-Is-Best campaign will be continued parental shame, as it assumes that all new parents should nurse exclusively, and if they don’t it’s because they didn’t know better or work hard enough. I’m also not convinced that information and support should be the core issues of nursing politics, because such an approach continues to centre on exclusive nursing as the best way and not simply one way to feed your baby/babies.

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