If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad? by Avery Neal

Author:Avery Neal [Neal, Avery]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kensington
Published: 2018-01-30T05:00:00+00:00

As you develop your own patterns to remain in denial about the abuse or to avoid your partner’s abusive behavior, you are not only simply trying to survive in the relationship as best you can, but you are also enabling your partner to continue to abuse.

When you enable an abuser, you are making it easier for him to continue to mistreat you. Essentially, you are creating a path of least resistance for your partner to abuse you. An abuser’s behavior is unacceptable, but if you give him the message that his behavior is justifiable and will therefore be tolerated and that his thinking is reasonable, you are reinforcing the bad behavior. You are giving him the green light to continue his abusive ways. This is enabling.

If you find that you take more than your fair share of responsibility in the relationship and that you work hard to manage your abuser (which we will discuss in more detail later in this book) by attempting to control variables hoping to minimize the abuse, then you suffer from codependency issues. In addition, making excuses, saying yes when you mean no, giving more and feeling uncomfortable with receiving, feeling victimized, feeling inadequate, feeling controlled by external situations, feeling burned out or worn out by your relationship (s), ignoring your needs, pretending problems are not really there, looking for happiness outside of yourself, making excuses for others and yourself, and letting others mistreat you are all common characteristics of codependency.

If you are codependent, over time you will find that you are less and less satisfied in your relationship. As you make yourself smaller and smaller in an attempt to please your partner, you become increasingly resentful. This resentment slowly sabotages the relationship, and although it is indirect, don’t underestimate it. Resentment is so incredibly difficult to recover from in a relationship that most couples find that they never overcome it.

Do not be ashamed of yourself if you see yourself written all over these descriptions. Codependency is extremely common, especially among women, as women tend to be nurturers, caregivers, and peacekeepers. The problem does not lie in the fact that many women embody these characteristics; it arises when these qualities go unchecked and become the basis of your identity. The solution lies within you. When you are able to embrace your power and you no longer become completely absorbed by others, primarily by your partner, you break free from the codependent pattern and find satisfaction in your relationships.

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