How to Connect with Your Child: use your head...and speak from the heart by Ticic Robin

Author:Ticic, Robin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-09-03T00:00:00+00:00

Where to be especially careful

Less is more

Sometimes questions or suggestions – though

meant to be helpful – cause a person to retreat.

One of the biggest challenges in implementing supportive understanding is holding yourself back when you want to ask questions or give suggestions. It's only natural for a parent to want more information, and faster. It's also very natural to want to offer suggestions when your child is having difficulty. After all, we have much more life experience behind us than our children do. We're often several steps ahead. That can result in what I like to call the "yes, but" syndrome: "yes, I hear you, but you should look at it this way," or "yes, I hear you, but you shouldn't feel that way." Our aim with supportive understanding is to concentrate on the "yes" and make it really important: "yes, I understand what you mean" and "yes, I can imagine how you feel." Bite your tongue when you feel the urge to utter the "but" because that word goes a long way toward negating the "yes" part of what you say. Just imagine your partner telling you, "I love you, but…"!

You will see that in these situations, "less is more," as the saying goes. In the first rendition of our first example, all the mother's questions got her nowhere. (As one 17-year-old girl wrote, her biggest gripe about her mother was "always questioning me about everything.") Her daughter didn't get very far, either. In the first version of the second example, all the good information being offered by the father only served to have his son withdraw from the scene.

I know how hard it can be to stick with only what your child is offering at each step. It will be worth it, though, once you get the hang of things. It's helpful to make believe you're a reporter, commenting on what you observe. In this case you're commenting, most importantly, on the emotions you're noticing ("You were really disappointed…"), and you're commenting on the factual information your child gives ("…not to have gym today"). Don't ask any questions, and don't offer any additional information or suggestions at this stage! Granted, this is arbitrary, but it's the best way to master the capability of supportive understanding. Later on – much later on – you can be more lax about how you implement this form of communication. Right now, stick to the rules for the best results. It's like learning a new sport and deciding to stick to the advice you get from the pro, then developing your own style later, when you're more skilled in the basics.

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