Homosexuality and the Christian by Mark A. PsyD Yarhouse

Author:Mark A. PsyD Yarhouse [Mark A. Yarhouse, PsyD]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780764207310
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group

LEARNING TO LISTEN

It is hard for parents to listen when they hear their adult child talk about long-standing same-sex attractions, particularly if they weren’t aware of them or if there had been a history of dating the opposite sex. Asking an adult son, “What about when you took Marsha to the prom?!” is less of a question than it is an accusation. The parent is in essence saying, “You were either lying to us then or you are lying to yourself now.”

This is not listening. In fact, a comment like this is often expressed out of confusion and frustration rather than concern. If, as parents, what your son or daughter is saying doesn’t make sense to you, invite him or her to share experiences and memories with you without interrupting with your own account of them. When he or she is done, you might tell them that you remember some of the events differently, which may be why you are finding it confusing. That is an honest response and more constructive than denying what your child is saying or insisting on a different account. The more you model good listening and extend that to your adult child, the more you can expect your child to extend the same courtesy to you. The alternative leads to both you and your child becoming entrenched in your positions.

It is hard for parents to listen when they are reviewing in their minds the decisions they made that, looking back, they feel may have contributed to homosexuality. It is very common for parents to wonder if they caused their adult child’s experience of same-sex attraction. From the parent’s perspective, this might include not being involved enough in their son or daughter’s early childhood, strained parent-child relationships in adolescence, or allowing or encouraging certain activities, such as sports for girls or drama for boys. If this is something you as a parent are worried about, you are not alone. But the point here is that the more parents focus on this the less they are able to listen to their adult child. This may lead your adult child to conclude that you’ve already filled in the history, conveying to them that you don’t feel the need to listen.

Unfortunately, parents have ample opportunity to read accounts in various Christian resources that implicate parent-child relationships. So when I encourage parents to look for education and support, they often come across the message that they are likely the cause of their child’s homosexuality. I have not found this to be particularly helpful to them.

Remember what we know—and don’t know—about the causes of homosexuality. This is one of the hardest things for parents to hear because it doesn’t give them certainty. In fact, I think many parents are susceptible to the messages that they are to blame precisely because they at least get some kind of clear explanation of what went wrong, as well as something they can do to counter it. I disagree with this message. I think it

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