Grimdark Magazine Issue #1 mobi by Edited by Adrian Collins

Author:Edited by Adrian Collins
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Grimdark Magazine
Published: 2014-09-29T14:00:00+00:00

***

I am staring in the mirror. It is three months since I woke in the hospital bed to find strangers clustered around me. Strangers who looked at me with such love and hope that I was gentle as I said, ‘You’ve got the wrong bed.’

Those words echo, and I feel a memory and try to catch it.

This is wrong. Doctor Handley has said to not reach out, to let them come to me.

I know my heart is beating too fast, so I close my eyes, and breathe slowly. I go back to the hospital bed, pretend I’m opening my eyes to see the three of them—Carla, Nathan, and Louisa.

I’ve yet to warm up to Carla and Nathan, but Louisa is such a sweet girl, just ready to leave childhood behind, but still needing her mother.

A girl always needs her mother.

But if that’s true, why don’t I need Carla more?

I see their faces and say out loud, ‘You’ve got the wrong bed.’

The memory hovers, and I force myself not to reach for it. I hear a voice, strained and male and full of hate.

So much hate I almost pull back, let the memory go the way of the other snippets.

‘Susanna, your pulse rate has increased dramatically. Are you all right?’ Drew sounds concerned. Its voice so different than the one I just heard. Drew’s voice makes me feel safe.

The way Matthew’s always did.

Matthew?

‘You’ve got the wrong bed,’ I say again since it seems to be the trigger, but nothing else comes.

Then I hear the front door open, and Drew informs me—in its grandmotherly voice—that Louisa is home.

She yells out, ‘Mum?’

‘In here.’ I wait, pulling her in to me, feeling something real and true when I hold her. Children are the greatest blessing. Matthew always said so but we never tried again, not after Kate died.

Kate. I tighten my hold on Louisa. I bury my nose in her long brown hair. Her shampoo smells of evergreen and mint. It should be strawberry.

Kate always loved that scent.

‘Mum? What’s wrong?’

I push her away from me. ‘You’re not my daughter.’

She frowns. ‘What?’

‘I have a daughter. But she’s not you. Kate is her name. And she’s blonde, not brunette.’

‘You’re making no sense.’

‘She’s younger than you, too.’ Why couldn’t I remember this before? ‘She loved to run outside. She was outside when the drone struck.’

Oh God. Outside when the drone struck. Kate.

I sink to the floor, seeing again my daughter lying in my arms, her blood flowing over me. I would have given her all of mine if I could have.

She died before help could arrive.

‘We lived off the grid.’

‘Yes.’ Louisa no longer sounds like a young girl. Her voice is changing, into the male voice I didn’t like. Bitter, angry, filled with hate.

I open my eyes, ready to run, but Louisa is gone. The house is gone. Everything is gone. I am sitting in a small white room, the space so tight that there's only about three feet between the walls and the chair I’m strapped into.

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