Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Author:Dr. Becky Kennedy
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2022-09-13T00:00:00+00:00

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“I Won’t Let You”

Say this aloud: “You can’t throw water bottles!” and “Please stop throwing! Please!” Then pause. Take a breath. Now try this one: “I won’t let you throw water bottles.” These four words—“I won’t let you”—are critical for every parent’s toolbox. “I won’t let you” communicates that a parent is in charge, that a parent will stop a child from continuing to act in a way that is dysregulated and ultimately feels awful. Because we often forget, kids don’t feel good when they are out of control. They don’t enjoy experiencing their body as unable to make good and safe decisions, just as adults don’t enjoy watching ourselves behave in awful ways. And yet, in these tantrum moments, kids are developmentally incapable of stopping themselves. If they could stop throwing they would; if they could stop hitting they would; if they could stop biting they would. A dysregulated child needs an adult to step in and provide the containment that they cannot provide for themselves. Stepping in with “I won’t let you” and following up to make the “I won’t let you” happen—this is an act of love and protection.

What do I mean by “following up”? Well, “I won’t let you kick your sister” often requires a parent to physically separate two children; “I won’t let you hit me” often means getting your hands ready so you can block a hit before it connects; “I won’t let you jump up and down on the counter” often means physically picking your child up and removing her.

It’s important to note that “I won’t let you” isn’t a go-to strategy for day-to-day occurrences; I’m not recommending you dictate what your kids do all the time and assert your dominance. “I won’t let you” is for moments when your child can no longer make good decisions—when he is being unsafe or behaving in a way that begs for sturdy leadership. In these situations, if you use “please stop” or “you can’t” language, a child becomes terrified that he is in the driver’s seat. This will only make him further dysregulated, because he will feel you avoiding authority and essentially think, “Why is my parent putting me in charge? My parent clearly sees me struggling and won’t step in to help! The feelings that have overwhelmed and taken over my body have now overwhelmed and taken over my parent . . . and that is scarier than anything else.” It’s no wonder our kids can’t “calm down” this way.

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