Give a F**k by Felicity Morse

Author:Felicity Morse
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Michael O'Mara

Guilt costs more than you think

There are other kinds of conditional giving at work in our lives, too. One occurs when we give not to get something back, but because if we don’t we feel bad. We give to negate the shame of choosing not to help. We do it even when we don’t want to do it, and often with resentment (this gift’s emotional ‘price tag’), because we feel we have to – we feel it is ‘owed’ by us. We help our friend move house even though we’d rather sleep in, or we go to our sister’s graduation even though we find it boring and pointless. We give our neighbour a lift to the airport at 1.00 a.m. through gritted teeth; we may not like them that much, but we do it because it’s expected and we’ll feel guilty if we don’t.

Dutiful or guilty giving is our way of avoiding the discomfort of learning how to give unconditionally. We give, even though we didn’t want to, and we convince ourselves this faux selflessness is enough to make us good people. In my mind, though, this giving is still transactional – we give to clear our consciences, or to avoid being seen as miserly or selfish.

I believe this kind of giving is the most toxic, because we disguise it as altruism, as being unconditional, but it hinders us in developing true generosity.

Giving on this basis often allows resentment to take root and fester within us; a resentment that we blame on the other person for asking. We then do the task mindlessly, ignoring the rising rancour (although this is often sensed by the receiver) instead of questioning our own feelings of scarcity or setting up a boundary to give only what we feel we can willingly, without resentment or expectation. It’s fundamentally untruthful to the other person, and to ourselves, and stops us from ever experiencing the joy and freedom of unconditional giving.

Practising unconditional giving is not about giving away everything you have. It’s not about letting people take from you, or being obliged to say yes to everything. It’s about knowing what you are comfortable to give without expecting anything in return. Of course, you might get a sense of warmth and strength and love for yourself and the receiver, but then again you might not.

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