Forgiveness (A Rabbi Rami Guide Book 1) by Rami Shapiro

Forgiveness (A Rabbi Rami Guide Book 1) by Rami Shapiro

Author:Rami Shapiro [Shapiro, Rami]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Seekers Without Borders
Published: 2013-08-25T22:00:00+00:00


What Is Forgiveness?

Again: Forgiveness is not so much an act as an attitude. As an act, forgiveness raises the forgiver above the forgiven; it empowers the one even as it disempowers the other. But in the real world there is no hierarchy of power, there is just the wildness of life and people doing their best to navigate it.

The act of forgiveness is a tactic, a way of getting through something or of getting one-up on someone. I know this isn’t the way we normally think about forgiveness, but explore this with me a bit. If you don’t like what I have to say, you can always stop reading.

The only way someone can hurt you is if you have given them power over you. When my son was a toddler and I refused him candy as we stood in the checkout line at our local market, he would often cry out, “I hate you. I hate you.” While this might have been a bit embarrassing, it wasn’t hurtful. He had no power over me, and his assessment of my character and parenting skills meant nothing to me. While you might argue that he should have apologized for his outburst, there is no need for me to forgive him for it. He just did what any three-year-old kid would do when forced to stand in an aisle stacked from his head to his toe with candy.

Now imagine a different scenario. You’re standing with a friend who is under the misunderstanding that you have done her some harm. She too cries out, “I hate you, I hate you.” Because you are innocent and because you know that she is misinformed you will most likely forgive her for her outburst, especially when she realizes her error and asks for your forgiveness. The difference here is that you have power over her. She was in the wrong, even if she didn’t know it, and she may have hurt you with her anger. You bestow forgiveness upon her the way a governor may bestow a pardon on a criminal. Your friend humbles herself before you in asking for forgiveness, and you, with noblesse oblige, graciously grant her wish.

Forgiveness is yours to give, and in giving it you assert your superiority over the one forgiven.

Bear with me for a third scenario. Imagine you have hurt someone you love. He is angry with you, and his anger is making your life miserable. So you apologize, humbly and sincerely. Yet you expect something for this act of contrition. You expect to be forgiven. Your apology, no matter how sincere, is still a tactic. You want to be free from the guilt and the anxiety the other’s anger produces in you, and so you own up to your mistake and apologize. If forgiveness is forthcoming you are freed from the weight of your guilt and free to reengage with the other person as an equal.

But what happens if you ask for forgiveness and forgiveness is not forthcoming? You get angry.



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