Flawed and (Still) Worthy by Allie Brazas

Author:Allie Brazas
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2019-09-27T21:45:58+00:00

Only Roadblocks

This was late August 2011. Even though I was fresh off my victory over Senior Chief, his conviction hadn’t overturned my own guilt. I blamed myself for the sexual assaults I’d suffered both at his hands and those of John at the gym. I wondered, Did I ask for it in some way? Could I have stopped them earlier? What if I had yelled “no” more loudly? How many other women has John hurt since? How many women didn’t—or couldn’t—come forward about Senior Chief?

He had a family, a wife and kids. Although the court-martial had been a win for other women, it sure hadn’t been for his wife. Because of his sex offender status, they’d had to sell their house, which was by a school, and move. He’d been demoted back to the galley, or cafeteria, on a separate base, until his dishonorable transition out of the Navy was complete. He may have ruined my life, but who was I to ruin his family?

Even as I struggled with these thoughts, I blamed myself further for the simple fact of being with Sean. He was the most amazing guy I had ever met, and while yes, he’d chosen me, perhaps I wasn’t the best fit for him. I mean, I couldn’t even have kids. Sean at least deserved the option to have them. Was it selfish of me to ask him to give that up? You suck, I told myself. It’s your fault. It was always your fault. Forget about the goddamn bar. You’re not even worth the running start.

Here I was with everything I could have wanted, and all I could see was what my choices had cost other people.

Sean, recognizing that I couldn’t love myself during this period, loved me harder. He became the metaphorical pole that, even if I still couldn’t clear the bar, would launch me that much closer, lifting me up and wrapping me in love. Any time I had to go to the hospital for another two-hour iron infusion, he’d come sit with me and play games to keep me entertained. If we brought Addisen, he’d chase her around the room until she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe, then put her on his shoulders and do victory dances for me. There were tickle wars and heartfelt hugs for Addisen and me both, from the most doting boyfriend and would-be father you’ve ever seen. In every way, Sean not only accepted the fact that I was sick, but he tried to make it fun—to lighten the mood and in so doing, my life.

Of course, every infusion reminded me why I was sick; made me think of the blood, the nurse’s denial, and ultimately, my hysterectomy. Whenever I thought about the future, I would get sad imagining a family with Sean that did not include a baby: that living manifestation of how much love we had for each other. Automatically, Sean would remind me, “You know what? There’s adoption. We can get donor eggs and use a surrogate.

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