Fatherhood--Philosophy for Everyone by Fritz Allhoff & Michael W. Austin

Author:Fritz Allhoff & Michael W. Austin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wiley
Published: 2011-03-22T16:00:00+00:00

Being a Real Father

Every father probably remembers the moment he realized the following two things. The first is the full comprehension that he was going to be a father, that he would have a child in his life, that he would be responsible for that child. The second thing, which almost certainly followed very quickly on the first, was the realization that he had absolutely no idea whatsoever what he was going to be doing as a father.

I think the existentialist style of authenticity deals best with the second thought. For an existentialist, this realization of our ignorance is not surprising. It’s just the way things are for us. We don’t know what we are doing as fathers prior to being fathers because we can’t possibly know how to be a father prior to actually being one. There is a frightening amount of uncertainty that comes with this – what the existentialist calls anxiety. And what makes this uncertainty particularly nerve-wracking is the fact that, as fathers, we don’t know what we should do; but we know we have to know what to do. We know that it’s important that we know what to do as fathers. Finally, and most importantly, we want to know what to do because we (presumably) want to be real fathers.

An existentialist like Sartre would say that an authentic, that is, “real” father would have to embrace this fear, this uncertainty and anxiety. He would have to embrace the fact that he couldn’t know that the choices he makes as a father are the right choices prior to making them. He would still make his choices. And the choices he makes would be choices that he makes on behalf of fathers everywhere. That is, the choices the “real” father makes are choices that he thinks any father in a similar situation, fully embracing his freedom, could and should make, too. The father who chooses to work long hours chooses that style of fatherhood for all fathers. The father who chooses to forego the long work hours to be physically and emotionally available, the father who bakes cookies, chooses this style of fatherhood for all fathers.

Existentialists like Sartre claim that having to choose produces anxiety. It can be tempting, then, to let someone else do the choosing for us. When we realize for the first time that we are to be fathers, we might (and probably did) look for someone to tell us what to do, how to do it, and how things would likely turn out. Should we work more to get a better house? Should we take on an extra job to get enough money to move to where there are better schools? Or do we need to become well versed in children’s stories, songs, and activities? Would it be a good idea to learn how to bake and cook? Would the right thing be to find ways to work less, so that we can be there for our children, both physically and emotionally?

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