Driven to Distraction by JEREMY CLARKSON

Author:JEREMY CLARKSON
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: epub掌上书苑
Published: 2012-11-25T16:00:00+00:00

Sunday 28 January 2007

A case of power corrupting absolutely

Mégane Renaultsport 230 F1 Team R26

A couple of weeks ago Sir David Attenborough went on the BBC - an Establishment double act that’s hard to top - and explained exactly what global warming would mean for Britain.

In short, some householders in Worcester will need new carpets every time it rains, the Glasgow sewers will burst and a farmer in Abingdon will be moved to make way for a new reservoir. It was not even slightly terrifying, but nevertheless at the end Attenborough came onto the screen in big nose-hair close-up to explain that we must do something now - now, d’you hear - to prevent this catastrophe.

Doubtless a party political broadcast from such an authority as Attenborough will have had you scampering round the house turning off the lights. And maybe the next day you walked to work instead of taking the car. Though I doubt this, because much to the annoyance of the producers the next day was bitterly cold with snow falling in many parts of the country.

And anyway, even if every nation meets its obligations under the Kyoto agreement, the Earth won’t be saved. In fact, the heat expected in 2020 would arrive in 2026. So we ruin our lives to buy just six more years.

The fact is this. Global warming’s coming, so you can don your King Canute hat and stand on the beach waving your Toyota Prius at the advancing heatwave, but it won’t make a ha’p’orth of difference.

But don’t worry, because I have a plan. The biggest threat we face, according to the British Broadcasting Corporation, is rising sea levels. Apparently, seawater expands when it’s heated, so the entire population of Britain will have to spend the rest of time perched on top of Ben Nevis.

Plainly, then, there is too much water in the world, so why don’t we just call Nasa and ask it to take some of it into space? Technically this is not difficult. Build a fleet of space shuttles. Fill them with seawater. And move it into orbit.

If necessary the water could be stored in a huge balloon so that if the world cools down at some point in the future the shuttles could go up there and bring it back again.

Brilliant, yes? But having given the matter some thought, I think there is room for improvement.

Space is only seventy-five miles from the surface of the Earth, so why not make a giant hosepipe, dip one end in the sea and take the other end out into the void, where, of course, there is a vacuum? That means the water will be sucked up the pipe without the need for any energy-absorbing pumps.

Of course there is a small problem with this idea. Gravity means the hosepipe will keep falling back to the ground again, but I’ve thought of that.

Initially, I reckoned it could be tethered to the moon, but having studied astrological charts I’ve realised that in a day or two the pipe would be wrapped round the world.

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