Don't Divorce by Diane Medved

Author:Diane Medved
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781621575375
Publisher: Regnery Publishing
Published: 2017-02-03T05:00:00+00:00

I CAN’T HANDLE YOUR BAGGAGE.

Baggage is a biggie. Especially the three marriage-crushers: children, in-laws, and friends.

(1) Your children are ruining our marriage. You’ll find “data” suggesting that second marriages start off with a poor prognosis; some media sources say 60 to 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce.2 But those debatable numbers serve only to undermine hopes and discourage couples about their futures. Dr. Kalman Heller suggests, “While data for second marriages is currently very limited, the early indication is that the frequently-stated 60 percent divorce rate is also a gross exaggeration, and that divorce rates for second marriages may not be any higher than for first marriages.”3 First marriages in Britain are even more likely than second marriages to crumble—as I’ve already noted, 45 percent of first unions there succumb, but only 31 percent of second marriages do.4

Nevertheless, when you marry someone with younger children, you take on a family, not just a new spouse. Each child becomes an important person to integrate into your life and soul. That child also must accept you and your new role of authority. And she needs to adapt to your usurping attention from Mom that formerly went to her.

I can just hear you. You’ve got so many reasons why your spouse’s children are “too much baggage.”

“My spouse puts her children ahead of me.” Well, yeah. Your partner has known her children longer than she has known you. And the parental bond is unshakeable and unbreakable—so in conflict, she sides with them. Look at their history: your partner saw her kids through a previous relationship, and together they adjusted and cried and shared their stress; no wonder your spouse puts them first. Acknowledge that history, and appreciate your partner as the parent she is, but at the same time forge with her a different kind of relationship—a romance.

“I didn’t really know what I was getting into with her kids.” That’s a cop-out. You never know what kinds of problems you’ll be facing, even with your own biological kids in a two-parent marriage. Remember “if life hands you lemons, make lemonade”? When stopped by a roadblock, you deal with it—either wait out the parade or go around it. Being married is a lifelong, daily re-acquaintance process, with both your mate and with the children in your home, who develop and change every day. You thought your perfect love would transcend all the other issues in her life and yours? Get real—each person is constantly learning, testing, adjusting; each interaction shapes the relationship a little further.

What if, God forbid, your house burned down? You’d contact the insurance company and decide whether to sell or rebuild, but you wouldn’t say, “Oh look, now I’ve got a burned-down house. I think I’ll just walk away.” Why can you face all sorts of challenges but not in your marriage?

“I was blinded by love.” In other words, you didn’t vet the person you decided to marry? And now that you’re actually united, you don’t love that person or

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