Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight? by Bucatinsky Dan

Author:Bucatinsky, Dan [Bucatinsky, Dan]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Published: 2012-06-05T04:00:00+00:00

chapter thirteen

Sexy Look

I took the kids to a Winter Wonderland holiday party last year that very well may have spoiled any other party the kids would ever attend in the future. It was almost hostile in its fantasticness. It surpassed my wildest imagination of what a kids’ party could deliver. These people went all out. They re-created the North Pole with real snow, reindeer and sleigh rides, a snowman bouncy, crafts, a candy cane bar, photos with Santa, you name it.

At one point the kids were delighting over two out-of-work actors dressed as Mary Poppins and Bert, performing magic and songs. They, meaning I, loved it. Especially the part where they turned a white hankie into a bowl of Tootsie Pops. A spoonful of sugar really does help—well, you know, help you forget they’re not really who they’re dressed to be. That was until one of the bright-smiled performers, Mary, who like everyone else in L.A. would do anything to “make it,” possibly even porn, walked around passing out postcards for her industry showcase called “Desperately Seeking—Representation.”

I too performed for dozens of children’s birthday parties when I was in high school, delighting kids with balloon animals and kiddie illusions as The Great Houdanni. So I felt a bit overprotective of my performing comrades. I clapped and whistled a little louder, perhaps, than I should have.

“Did you see that?” I shouted at Eliza and Jonah. “That hat was empty a second ago! Right? Where’d those Tootsie Pops come from?” I was genuinely impressed. “These guys are amazing, aren’t they?”

Suddenly, one of the moms turned to me, annoyed. “Tootsie Pops? Really? Why am I the only one who cares what goes into my child’s body?” She went on and on about how every single lick on a lollipop delivers corn syrup and refined sugar and artificial colors into the bloodstreams of our children, creating a chain reaction that compromises their health. Every single time!

Okay, Stressy Tessy, calm down! I thought to myself. I mean, who wants to be the parent who begrudges their kid a sucker at a birthday party? Especially one given to them by Mary Fucking Poppins? So what if, after the party, she turns into adult film star Cherry Poppins? I didn’t want to be that dad.

I now look at my watch and realize we are into hour two. The kids are being shuttled from the Mary Poppins station to the Cotton Candy pavilion. They’re all squealing with delight as they line up to receive pink sticky clouds of refined sugar and artificial color.

I should pull Eliza and Jonah from the line, I think. It’s too much sugar. I’m compromising their health and they’ve already had lollipops, snow cones, and who knows what else. Can’t these people throw a party with carrot sticks and organic cheese squares? Stressy Tessy had obviously gotten into my head.

I intercept the cotton candy lady. “Eliza and Jonah are going to share one!” The kids start whining. Other parents groan.

“Oh, come on,” a burly

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