Contemplating Divorce by Susan Gadoua

Author:Susan Gadoua
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608825516
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications

Acknowledging That You Have Needs

Children aren’t the only ones who need to feel acknowledged; we all do. It’s not unlike when you’ve had a hard day and tell someone about it. Often, the mere process of venting about the events that went wrong makes you feel better. When the person listening conveys a similar experience or says the exact thing you needed to hear, it is even better. You feel heard and understood. The problem may remain, but your desire to dwell on it vanishes. You can let it go.

Your needs operate in much the same way as a child tugging at your sleeve, trying to get your attention. Once you recognize your needs and allow them to be there, they no longer need to run the show.

When you feel an internal tug from something calling for your attention—whether it’s about something you need from your spouse, the need to take a time-out for yourself, or the need for a friend’s advice—if you can listen to that urging and honor it, the need will actually dissipate, and you will almost always feel better. It’s when you ignore your needs or put them at the end of the list and save them for the day’s end (when they’re less likely to get met sufficiently, if at all) that you feel resentful, depressed, or anxious. It’s as if that inner child, the part of you that needs something, is having a tantrum, bubbling up to try to get you to pay attention.

Exercise: How Do You Handle Having Needs?

This exercise helps you explore how you feel about having needs and how you deal with your needs when they arise.

How do you feel about having needs?

Discuss how you treat yourself when you feel a need emerge.

Can you identify ways in which you have put the needs of your family (spouse and children) before your own needs? If so, how have you done that?

Why have you put your family’s needs before your own?

Is there anything inside you needing your attention and acknowledgment? If so, can you identify what it is? You will often feel a physical symptom; for example, you get sick to your stomach, feel a panic attack coming on, get headaches, or suddenly feel very tired.

What, if anything, can you do today to better acknowledge your own needs?

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