Commit or Quit by Benson Harry;

Author:Benson, Harry;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Lion Hudson
Published: 2020-03-14T00:00:00+00:00

Asymmetric cohabitation: the new patriarchy?

Sarah’s story is a good example of how society has changed both for better and for worse.

Up until about fifty years ago, there were fewer lone parents bringing up children on their own. Had a lone mother like Sarah met Sam then, moving in together would not have been a serious option. They would have taken time to make their fledgling relationship work, while they established whether or not it was going to lead to marriage.

Since Sam told her early on that it wasn’t, even his charm and kindness would have been insufficient to persuade her that the relationship was ever going to be a starter. The fact that he struggled with commitment per se, and not just marriage, may never have come to the surface because the relationship would have ended.

Today, moving in together has almost become a universal presumption. Perhaps Sarah could have held off for longer on the basis that she had a son to worry about. Even then, it would have been hard for her to resist somebody who was clearly kind and putting his best foot forward.

But having won his prize of living with Sarah, Sam backed off and showed his true colours, by which time it was hard for Sarah to ask him to leave.

It then took four years for either of them to overcome the sheer inertia of cohabitation. That’s a long time to hang around in a relationship that is going nowhere.

But there’s a very specific problem that couples face in relationships where one person is more committed than the other.

The more committed partner cares more about the future of the relationship. They are therefore more willing to put their own interests to one side for the sake of the relationship and let things go.

The less committed partner, on the other hand, cares less about the future of the relationship. They are therefore less willing to forgo their own interests.

Whether the relationship succeeds or fails is therefore in the hands of the less committed partner. He or she has the power, the control.

I’m not sure what word we might use to describe this when it’s the woman who has control. But I do know what we say when a man has control. It’s called patriarchy.

It’s one of the ironies of modern culture that we often think of marriage as being patriarchal. Yet asymmetric commitment is relatively rare among married couples. When you have two people with equal lifelong commitments – in theory at least – neither of them has more power over the other.

But what we find in the US studies – and are almost certainly seeing in the UK – is that asymmetric commitment is a lot more common among unmarried cohabiting couples. And in two out of three cases, it’s the man who is less committed and who therefore holds the power.

Today, it is cohabitation – not marriage – where you are most likely to find patriarchy.

Do you love me?

Having said all that, whether male or female, this basic question needs answering.

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