Cockerings by Stevyn Colgan

Author:Stevyn Colgan [Colgan, Stevyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Unbound

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At their table, Marcheline looked at her watch and frowned. Benjamin had excused himself over ten minutes ago and hadn’t returned. Horror stories of people climbing out of toilet windows rather than face returning to their dates surfaced in her mind. Was that what he’d done? Surely he couldn’t be doing anything legitimate or innocent that took ten minutes?

‘Excuse me,’ she said to a passing waiter. ‘My friend has been in the lavatory an awfully long time. Would you mind checking that he’s alright?’

‘Certainly madam, what’s his name?’

‘Benjamin.’

The waiter nodded and smiled in a reassuring way before heading for the gents.

The wet toilet roll felt like bliss. Although there seemed to be no immediate effect on the size and firmness of ‘Little Ben’, Big Ben was feeling less panicked. He sighed with relief and sat down on the toilet seat with the cistern lid resting on his knees. And, now that he had a quiet moment or two, he began to wonder how he’d got into this predicament in the first place. While Leticia was an attractive woman, and she seemed to be quite keen on him, there was no way that her physical proximity could have caused such an extreme reaction. He’d heard that some kinds of spider bite could cause erections, but that seemed an unlikely scenario. For a start, he wasn’t aware of any bite marks on his body. And didn’t the spiders responsible live in South America and look like tarantulas? He’d also read that hormone imbalances could cause random erections – it was why men got them at night. But this seemed to be a much more serious issue than so-called ‘morning wood’. All he could think of was that he’d been slipped a dose of Viagra or Cialis or some other drug that he was frequently offered in spam emails. But by whom? Leticia? Or had Berkeley spiked his tea at the hospital earlier in the day to make him more likely to perform? Ben wouldn’t have put it past the man.

Thoughts of Berkeley set him to wondering how the man would react when he learned that he hadn’t seduced his sister as he’d been asked to do. It wasn’t his fault that Marcheline hadn’t shown up. Would he spill the beans about the arson to the police out of spite anyway? And why wasn’t all of this worry causing him to deflate?

‘Benjamin? Is there a Benjamin in here?’

Ellis jumped and, in doing so, dropped the cistern lid. It fell to the floor with a loud clunk and broke cleanly in half. Water ran out under the door.

‘Hello?’ said the voice. ‘Are you okay in here? There seems to be a lot of water on the floor.’

‘I’m fine!’ squeaked Ben. ‘I’ll pay for any breakages.’

‘You don’t sound fine,’ said the voice. ‘Your lady friend asked me to check on you. You have been in here a long time.’

‘I’m fine,’ said Ellis again.

‘You’re not doing drugs in there, are you, sir?’ said the waiter. ‘We have a very strict house policy on drugs.

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