Co-parenting Through Separation and Divorce by Jann Blackstone

Author:Jann Blackstone
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: American Academy of Pediatrics
Published: 2020-06-15T00:00:00+00:00

Negative Thought–Negative Response Chain

But there’s more…you’ve often heard that communication is a 2-way street. Both players must cooperate to get the best results. If one puts up a barrier, there’s no way to get past it. That person controls the situation and you are done. But one person can change the course of bad communication if that person is committed to positive interaction. You must set the example over and over again and not give up because 1 or 2 times you are met with snarky remarks. To break the negative thought–negative response chain of behavior, you must love your kids more than you hate your ex. That will allow you to change your attitude about your ex before interaction. When you do, you will be surprised how that change will improve your ability to communicate and problem-solve together.

Here’s a personal story I’d like to pass on that drives this idea home.

My father was an “older father” and possibly the funniest man I have ever met. He was 43 when I was born, very old-fashioned, and over-the-top strict, as well as, at times, made racist comments. I had a lot of trouble dealing with the way he saw things, and we were at odds for most of my life.

Needless to say, it was difficult for me to be around him, and being the head-strong young woman that I was, rarely would I let his observations go without comment. We bickered regularly, and it was difficult for other family members to be around us when we were together.

I’m not telling this story because I am bitter about my upbringing or to pass on that my father was a mean and cruel man; there was another side to him that was absolutely delightful, and that was the problem. Our inability to get along hurt both of us, and that is why the rest of the story is so important to my point.

One day, when my father was 71 years old, it hit me that he would not be with me forever. I realized his choices were his choices and formed as a result of his own life experiences. My choice was to love him as he was. I made a secret pact with myself that I would hug him hello and goodbye and tell him I loved him each time I saw him, and, lo and behold, we never bickered again. Never. He stopped commenting on my choices, as well as stopped making rude remarks in my presence, and for the last 8 years of his life, we were the best of friends. All those years, I thought I was the one on the defense; evidently, so did he. I changed my attitude, and, as a result, his responses changed. From the moment I made the decision, there was a shift—because I wanted to get along with him. I never discussed it with him. I simply changed my behavior.

My point? You can co-parent with your child’s other parent if you want to.

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