Chasing Augustus by Kimberly Newton Fusco

Author:Kimberly Newton Fusco
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2017-09-19T04:00:00+00:00

This is what it’s like to lose your mum.

You have this hollow place inside that never gets filled no matter how hard you try. It’s like somebody scraped out your insides and left only bones to hold you together.

You know you have a hole in your life and everyone else does not. If you were only good enough when you were little, maybe she wouldn’t have left. Maybe if you didn’t cry so much when you were a baby or maybe if you didn’t spit out your peas or maybe if you weren’t such a grumpy bear, maybe then she would have stayed.

Or maybe if you tried harder in school so you could make something of yourself (like she did), maybe then she would come back.

Maybe, maybe, maybe—always the maybes.

I remember playing hide-and-seek when I was little and hiding in the lilac bushes on one of her visits and she hid behind the maple tree, then she ran and hid in the chokecherries, then she was in the car driving away.

The only thing that really helps is the mad you use to push the sad feelings away. But it’s like blocking out the sun. You cover your eyes, but the glare is always there.

As we walk home from the Church of Our Risen Lord and I am thinking about all of this, I almost tell Philippe that this is what it’s like to lose your mum.

But I have a feeling he already knows.

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