Can we start again please? by Andrew G. Marshall

Author:Andrew G. Marshall
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Marshall Method Publishing
Published: 2017-06-01T00:00:00+00:00

THREE BARRIERS TO DESIRE

Lots of couples have a guilty secret that they wouldn’t even tell their best friend, and certainly won’t discuss together. This secret is that once a couple has the right number of children for their family, sex happens so sporadically it’s probably less than ten times a year – what sex therapists call a low-sex relationship. This applies to about one in five marriages. Most couples blames circumstances – stress, tiredness, etc. – but these are excuses; often it’s down to their attitudes and behaviour.

1. Unrealistic expectations

We have all sorts of expectations about how sex should be. In most cases, these are so deeply ingrained that most of my clients don’t know they hold them. So I often get them to complete this sentence: ‘Sex should...’ The most common answer is ‘Sex should happen naturally’ but when you have a family nothing happens spontaneously – not at least without a lot of groundwork first! Other couples worry that ‘Sex should always be special’ so hold back until everything is perfect, except that the perfect time never comes. And what they don’t realise is that a quickie can be just as much fun. Perhaps the most damaging expectation is that ‘A couple doesn’t need to have sex to have a good marriage’ – as this allows a low-sex relationship to drift into a no-sex one. Of course, no one should be pressured into having sex they don’t want but equally no one should have to do without the sex they do want.

Turn it round: To keep a healthy and vibrant love life forget spontaneity, you need to plan ahead and make a sex date. Of course, if one of you is under the weather, you can reorganise but always agree a new date and still use the time to do something nice together – like sharing a long, hot bath.

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