As I Am by David B. Jai

Author:David B. Jai
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: LGBT, LGBTQI+ Struggles, PTSD, Rape, Domestic Violence, African American Gay Men, Teen Mental Illness, Acceptance, Courage
Publisher: Just Me Media Group LLC
Published: 2021-03-18T17:55:04+00:00

Chapter Seventeen

The fall season was finally here, and I started my senior year at Rita Ross High School. I was anxious because I had embarked on the short road to graduation and adulthood. I practiced what I had been learning in therapy: breathe, relax, and bring closure to my young adolescent attitude. Also, I looked forward to embracing a long life of adventure with my new beaux Toe. Our relationship continued to advance every day because I finally felt comfortable being who I am. Toe secured me on the days that I doubted myself or came in conflict with my sexual orientation. I felt emotions inside me like love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging that I thought I would never feel, like true authentic love. For me, it was the occasional smile, a long gaze, or even a gentle kiss on the lips. Sometimes, I couldn’t fathom that I had found love. I’d discovered how to be loved and accepted by a man, something I’d been craving all my life, and it felt incredible. Toe was my life. He was my everything and anything that I could dream of in an individual. Toe was tall, handsome, and he loved me despite my numerous flaws. Just like all couples, we had our disagreements, we had our fights and bickering, but we made a promise that we would never let the sun go down on any of our arguments, and we lived by that rule. I often thought back to when Toe was in the hospital, lying on that hospital bed with tubes in him. I saw what my life would have been like without him, and I started to tear up. I couldn’t imagine how things would be without Toe. He was a form of healing for me. Toe was also a form of acceptance, and for me to accept who it is that I am and feel comfortable in my skin, although there were times we both did not feel comfortable with our sexual identity. However, we kept pushing forward and embracing who we are.

I had been a little anxious about starting my senior year at Rita Ross High School because it was a new start, sort of a new beginning, and I didn’t know what to expect. At my last high school, the guys teased me a lot because they thought I was gay. No matter how much I would tell them that I was not or how masculine I got, my femininity still stuck out. There were times in my last high school where I would walk down the halls and people would call me names like fag or sissy. Even the staff was in on it and would not allow me to play on the boys’ basketball teams during PE time; instead, I had to play with the girls. Although my game was crap, I felt like I didn’t fit in with the guys, nor did I fit in with the girls. There’s something about when you try to portray something that you aren’t that makes you mentally uncomfortable.

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