Articulate by Rachel Kolb

Author:Rachel Kolb [Kolb, Rachel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollinsPublishers
Published: 2025-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

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IT HAD NOT FELT LIKE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVEN THOUGH ON ITS face I knew it hadn’t been that bad—California, a fancy school, the Cheesecake Factory, the twinkling lights on University Avenue, a big joint birthday party with new friends. What did I have to complain about?

But this sort of scene would repeat many more times until I started to consider its consequences. I told assorted college friends I’d join them for their own birthday celebrations, then winced once I realized they’d also invited a dozen people to a dark restaurant downtown—it’s their birthday, just go, don’t be a spoilsport. I went to dinner gatherings with the equestrian team, slipped to the bathroom whenever I needed a moment to contain my rising inner panic, told myself that at least the jokes were usually about horses. At the end of the horse shows we hosted a few times a year, I walked into the barn and saw all my teammates sitting together, volleying comments over their dusty boots. My heart plummeted, even though these were people I joked with over saddle soap every time we showed up for riding practice. When we were alone in the warm company of the horses, with no one else around to interrupt, I could have talked with some of them for hours.

Each time I stumbled into a larger circle of speaking mouths, I tried to hang out and show that I was interested—but for how long? I tried to sit in the right spot and look in the right direction and ask the right questions. This could lead to confusing non sequiturs or ambling small talk, which I always hated, even while I clutched onto predictable topics because of their built-in scripts and recognizable destinations. Most of all, I tried to contain the ink-black sludge spilling all over my guts. The bigger the group was, the more irrelevant tangents they ventured onto, the worse my insides felt. I scrambled to clear away the muddy residue of missed words, the slopping dread of seeing the others laugh together, again. The mire thickened until I could scarcely hold it in.

And then inevitably, I’d feel my mind sprint away in search of words, any other words.

The Brain—is wider than the Sky—

For—put them side by side—

The one the other will contain

With ease—and You—beside—

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