Almost Broken: If I Break #2 by Moore Portia

Author:Moore, Portia [Moore, Portia]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Published: 2014-11-11T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 8

Lauren

I want to be happy.

That’s all I’ve ever really wanted. I think that’s really all anyone ever wants out of life is to be happy. What makes us happy? Well, that’s different for everyone. For some of us it’s money, others it’s fame, some need a child, while others find satisfaction in their careers. In the end, we’re all searching for what will make us sleep well at night, give us peace even when everything isn’t perfect. When I was younger, I dreamed about some of those things. Who doesn’t want to be rich or famous until you realize all the problems that come with it?

I never realized the problems that would come with Cal. Now when I look at Chris, I wonder if he’s happy. I can’t tell. The more I get to know Chris, the harder he is to read. At first, I thought he was an open book, but that makes no sense at all. He’s far more complicated than he appears. His turmoil and frustration has a name, and a life of its own.

The more time I spend with Chris, the more I genuinely start to like him and not just because he looks like Cal and sounds like him, which is what I thought it was originally. I actually like the person he is, the one I’m getting to know. When I was with Cal I always saw something kind and warm in him—when he’d let me in, that is. I’m starting to think that was Chris. I want to let my guard down with him, I really do, but I’m afraid. It sounds silly and childish, but being in love with Cal seems so much different than letting myself have feelings for Chris. As wild and unpredictable as Cal was, I knew Cal. At least I thought I did. I was comfortable in the whirlwind that was our life together. Chris is a totally different story. Falling for him is dangerous, and pursuing him comes with a whole lot of risk. Rejection from him is more than that because if he can’t love me or want to there’s no hope for Cal and I, they’re one in the same.

Sometimes I’ll catch him looking at me in a way that makes me think he could feel something for me, but I think he doesn’t want to. He wants to be my friend, and the thought makes me cringe. I can’t ever really be his friend. How can you be friends with someone you want to love you? How do you pretend your feelings don’t exist or matter? I’m not that strong. If it turns out that Cal never comes back and he’s floating in some type of mental prison…How can Chris let me in if he shuts Cal out? If he can’t ever let me in, I will be cordial, I will be friendly, I will be the best co-parent I can, but I cannot be his friend, at least not now.

By the time I leave, I’ll know if Chris will let me in.

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